christmas!

i made no plans for this day, a day i feel so deeply & desire to share with others. i went to sleep knowing that even if i was alone, i would be filled with that feeling this day brings me and need nothing else.

7:30am hit the bed from present making frenzy.

2:12pm text message:

"Are you at joys house because were coming over right now :)"

my 2:13pm response:

"Ah! Me crampy! Ok"

reluctantly out of bed & brushed my teeth. the bell rang right after; Daivi & Amora came to deliver a surprise gift necklace of silver cat's eye. we gathered in my room to spend time with each other, we 3 talked, listened to Black Eyed Peas while sharing moon time. ascended upstairs to the common area; the following hours were pure blessing.

startled with a gift for me under the tree - the softest white winter hoodie. i passed out the gifts i had for the family save Henry's which i knit while the day passed. it was an unlikely & spontaneous communing together sharing laughter, energy, time, food, fun. despite a respite in bed for some hours during, i could feel the day bright with cheer, hearing through the ceiling life stories & wisdom gained, scrabble onyx edition word play and eruptive enjoyment. i felt that togetherness that seems so difficult to achieve on a day where it is anticipated, expected. perhaps the best things go unplanned, and truly one of the best christmas days i have ever had.

merry christmas!

on the eve

a day of feeling the space within & without.

the winter holidays have the effect of changing the air pressure of the city; reduced density of bodies which are traveled to other states or remote locations. for those who remain, there is a settling that comes upon, even if just a little. the ease can be felt everywhere, as if there is more air. the city herself sighs relief as each of us transitions into festive mode. so many places on the planet at once tuning into celebration, togetherness, love. it makes the weekdays feel like weekends.

there are hints everywhere, reasons to pause & smile: string lights on trees & holiday themes on lawns & in windows, clementines, dressing up for parties, red bows on fenders, ice skating, chestnuts, the smell of spruce trees, spending time on what to give someone that will make them smile.

and even with all the shopping & getting ready & cooking & travels there is a stillness that penetrates all. it is subtle, softening all moods & activities. just the way snow does when it falls. this is what i love most about Christmas.

on Christmas Eve, Daivi plucked me from bed with texts of possible activities. we ate together: she made a fresh drink with spinach, rice milk, banana, maca & an organic smoothie mix. then some oil in the pan with potatoes, zuccini, tempeh, quinoa & red pepper. homemade ghee on ezikiel toast. my tummy was grateful. and we were both flowing on the moon cycle, shedding with her in these waning days. felt the push/pull of activity/sitting & Being. we decided to mix them together to venture out into the gray evening to find some nature to Be in with what was left of the sunlight.

at Hermann Park, we walked & found a spot between 3 trees to sit and meditate beside a lake with a giant tree covered in herons. as i went into the meditation, the voice guiding the process became indistinct blending with bird sounds airplane engines overhead blowing wind. i felt myself melt into the environment. even as i was aware of the rain drops on my skin it was slow going to respond. what i felt was not a return to my senses but a coming back to my separateness from everything. despite contracting back into the body, i maintained connection & expansion as i took care of the physical needs of the moment.

something about getting rained on is always sensual, daring. the sky glowed orange from street lamps & thick cloudcover as we gathered out things & walked out into eerily lit night, laughing gleefully back to the car. As we passed the parkinglot letters, we called out the same words, so in tune: D - Divine! C - Consciousness! B - Brahman!

inspired late night to make presents for the host family. a bracelet from stones in my collection for host mama, a hand dyed cotton scarf in progress for host dad and guided to gift an awesome book on practical meditations for the son. it feels good to create, to give.

the standing still sun of winter, 2010

slept in: held close, skin warm, thorough & innocent cuddling. long stretch of time from bed to breakfast to bounding out the door into Texas midwinter. December solstice felt like June reaching 80 on the thermometer. i played flute for the sky & napped on a patch of grass, my body tricked into guessing which season it was. all references of weather flipped; sweaters on hold, patterns inside out & flip flops on near the end of the year.

a walk along the bayou was red gold trees with strong sun between the branches. the water moved evenly opaque swamp green giving no clue to it's lurking depth. we sat on a plaid blanket in an autumnal yellow brown orange crunching leaves with our feets while eating Belgian chocolate with candied ginger. i attempted to suck the sweet but the animal in my jaws wanted to chew. i ate both ways, alternating jagged squares of chocolate to be devoured in seconds or to melt on my tongue until only the bits of ginger remained.

we assessed the past & summed the current lessons:

always have a plan b

trust myself

discretion

talked from before sunset until the moon shone bold like a bright ovary in the sky. spent solstice time with the Love family, drumming under live oaks in the fairly park where Anandaji asked Merciful to marry him. the 2 babies present waddle walked to different trees & open places, communicating in their own language of smiles & syllables. we ate coconut shreds & OM toned chakras clear. i hugged the biggest tree goodbye past 9pm as i trekked to my first night tango dancing!

i was invited to go & nervous first timer tried to wiggle out of it though curiously compelled. i tried to evade the engagement but when the excuse of not having dancing shoes came up, Joy pulled one of her pairs from the collection, hidden in a silky red bag. they fit perfectly from toe to heel. i imagined this is what Cinderella felt when the shoe was put on - the feeling of rightness, a perfect moment. i wore my short black dance dress with cinched shiny leggings & discovered the tango.

the most profound advice i was given on this dance: "each person holds their own balance. when i let go, my partner can stand on their own". i instantly imagined planets dancing with one another, even though together & mingling each with their own gravity, each contributing their stability; interacting & moving unexpectedly with that sense of grounding, sturdy inner resource threading through the improvisation.

my favorite dance was with Sarah: ultra short platinum blond hair, jeans & casual sneakers, been dancing for years. we were probably the most opposite couple on the floor in experience, appearance, apparel and same sex. she led; my part was to allow, to flow, to not know what was next & to respond to it in the moment. nearly the same height, we danced chest to chest, my forehead against her temple. my hips pivoted in & out of the spaces she made with her legs. our tango moved slowly across the floor with busts of momentum, connected to ourselves, the music & each other. i left the tanda feeling in love!

left the tango at midnight. responding to Henry wanting ice cream, we decided to go home & make smoothies. the vitamix turned out a creamy banana apple almond butter chocolate protein rice milk goat milk yogurt blueberry smoothie! deliciousness.

the night ended with a lullaby serenade in bed, acoustic guitar improv to bookend the day nestled into the sheets to sleep snugged into each other like puzzle pieces.

day 40: Baddha Padmasana

eclipse, full moon, solstice. a clearing session & the final day of bound lotus.

the culmination of the practice feels like a necklace, a beautiful piece of art: something valuable, dear & with meaning that constantly unfolds. although it cannot be seen, the beauty & accomplishment of it lives through my being, both subtle & obvious. opened, let go, grown. a worthy journey crowned with completion. thank you Source for the path, the inspiration, the focus, the commitment.

happy new year!

happy new me!

happy new you!

day 39: bound lotus

morning dance in a saturated turquoise v-neck & black dancing pants. i released my body to the songs, movement patterns undulating into one another, sometimes graceful & sometimes lightning. break on through to the other side remix was everyone wild, ecstatic, yelping, energized! another tune we used a mop stick for limbo as people backbent & shuffled underneath to the beat. i enjoyed dancing solo, feeling free to explore the space as i chose to, with mini-dances occuring through my travels across the dance floor.

bike ride in an unexpected sunny warm afternoon. fell asleep in the grass & woke to the sound of bamboo rolling on the concrete. had a bansuri lesson, switched my practice flute to an A#, a deeper tone. we stretched our fingers sitting crosslegged on mexican blankets, doing scales together in the empty room with an OM symbol between the windows. he played just a hint of a raga & i closed my eyes, shivered; i was excited to play music that does that to people, makes them closed eyed & tingle & feel their body. just the few moments he played were hypnotic, left an impression.

went to a vegan restaurant party in Westchase, a very unusual activity but fun nonetheless. spent time with a family from the dance community & others there. the vegan flan was so good, better than real flan! i tasted coconut. i would travel to that restaurant just to eat the flan it is that good. munching, mingling, the season of parties & celebration.

i love how the cats greet me when i come home. and then meditation, shower, setting the alarm. on the cusp of big things: the last day of bound lotus, a full moon, a lunar eclipse, the winter solstice & a meteor shower. one word: EPIC.

day 38: psychic union pose

i heard a story on the radio of a girl who has a disorder characterized by unconditional trust, hearing about her approaching strangers as loved ones, getting into an unknown car, holding hands with anyone. i wondered what life could be like so open. i recalled times of diving in blind trust; even if the results were mixed, it still felt good to be open, willing. discernment is certainly a skill we never truly learn until we make mistakes. and even then.

Ma Daivi's birthday was a crowded house, high quality food, live piano & singing tunes together, dancing, surrounded by the upbeat energy of being with one another to celebrate, again. i slept somewhere else for the night, covered in handmade quilts. sleep was short & filled with visions of desires, sorrow for the wants that will never fruit and remembering underneath: "i want to be Free, Free, Free; Ananda, Ananda, Ananda"

i feel like my understanding of reality is evaporating. not that what i knew was wrong, but it did not contain the whole truth. to fit in the broader view, space is being made. the space feels like loss at times, a stretched nothingness. the waves of this experience crest & fall from feeling heavier than tired & wanting to withdraw to feeling lighthearted & enjoying simple things.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=126224885

day 37: Baddha Padmasana

the morning was cocoon, like solo piano music - songs spreading in space, vibrating the corners with a tone of sad, upliftment & fresh air simultaneously. space between me & all other things. involved yet distant, seeing everything as if looking out through a periscope to the world beyond my skin.

planted onions in the afternoon in 3 huge barrels & pea plants to last through winter. spent time with a small child who only spoke Spanish.; playing with the animals & hula hoops required little use of language - yelping sounds & smiles sufficed. had a beautiful meal of "fancy burrito": cheese, artichoke hearts, roasted red pepper, arugula rolled up in tortilla.

Sagittarius Ball - hyper fun!!! my mode switched from inward to outward. brought a bag of give-a-ways, entertained by the objects i came to know so well beginning a new life of use. a request to put on a trench coat naked beneath & flash dance - who else but me could respond? drumming & singing & eating & faces of those i haven't seen & new faces & laying down & oracles & talking & cleaning up & going home in the cool morning so close to solstice.

the meditation practice is almost over, 3 more days to 40. it has been a daily friend - always there, comfortable, steady. i am excited to complete!

ॐ

Debussy: Suite bergamasque - Passepied
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjtY8QEIkLQ

day 36: bound lotus

the images of the interior pushing into form; the paint speaks its own language.

completing the work was slow going: i stared, sat down in front of it, silent, didn't know what to do next, napped, ate, sat again. i let go of any ideas i had - i surrendered. if it wanted to be ripped in half or painted over, so be it. i saw others so bold painting over entire paintings to make whole new visions overlaid on the work from weeks before, scissor sculpting the working space into shapes, pieces, fringe. whatever attachments i may have harbored, i was willing to go to the extreme if called.

in that giving up of an agenda, the guidance came: fire around the belly! electricity! sprout! roots! re-green the heart! focusing in on the details, exploring the space, i was a steward for the vision despite the limited skills i had to conjure them. it felt good to finish. if i were to write to you about what the last weeks have been like, this painting would tell it all, and thensome.

bike ride on the cusp of the evening, ate 2 meals in one sitting & sat in one place until i felt i was settled, present, here again.

in other news: ankah is dead. call me heart. bliss. love.

ॐ

day 35: psychic union pose

today was a day going backwards. this body is fresh but holds the past so closely, closer than what is happening now. i realize reality is nothing but a field of old cycles playing out in forms of fresh faces & places, but underneath is a current of familiar, a variation on a theme. the only way out is up.

the first in a series of clearing sessions on the warmest December day. an energetic bath penetrating all directions of time. allowing the impressions & energy to rise, pass. sometimes pain, sometimes tears, sometimes nothing. memories from other lives lifting into my awareness, shocking revelations & insight as to why things are as they be today.

after hours, i felt light, energized. spaces were opened, cleared. happily ate & went over the session with a friend who has been through the same. ran a bath of baking soda & sea salt. i fell asleep in the overwarm water, limbs folded & twisted womb style as the small candles flickered at the corners of the tub.i felt dizzy, dragged myself to the meditation room & fell asleep again surrounded by angels, plants, rocks. the sensation of cooking off old modes of unforgiveness & resentment, traumas & misperceptions. a tumultuous sleep living though the releases, grateful they are moving from their hiding places, evaporating at the speed of my willingness.

day 34: Baddha Padmasana

29 years since i took my first breath on earth!

my first birthday gift was sleeping in. then,

wrote poems for people who would attend my birthday celebration.

i had felt i was in a deficit of giving. i am sometimes away from people for days writing, meditating, being with myself. spanning the space & distance are little notes posted on facebook, electronic gateways into the description or results of that aloneness. i write mostly about myself. i wanted to cross the gap & touch people with what i write, directly, to focus on others, to speak the words. these little compact writings i call Totem Poems.

and as i wrote the Totem Poems, i felt i was writing about myself, that each person was a part of me. i could sense our oneness, perceiving them as expressing something that perhaps was not for me to express through my body & experience but could understand & appreciate as if it were my own. i felt that any of the poems could have been for any other person in the room, yet somehow fit the person it was written for perfectly.

the decor was magenta - tinsel garlands hanging from ceiling fan & entry ways, the bowls, the plates, my dress. balloons scattered about. Snatam Kaur's album Shanti gently filled the room underneath conversations, jubilation, merriment.

the pot luck was like winning a lottery: red lentil coconut masala, brown rice with golden raisins & cinnamon sticks, hemp chia seed chocolate, cheddar cheese infused with cranberries, organic caraway flax crackers, arugula/basil pesto with rotini, hummus, fresh cauliflower & sprouts and cultured veggies handcrafted by an awesome new local business!

we toasted with pomegranate juice, sweet & heady with laughter filling the room. a toast to friends, to the support, the love that they have shared & given, enhancing my life. i read the totem poems one by one, each spoken an opening, heart flow. some moved to tears. i had wanted to connect & share, elated at that moment it was happening; we were all a part of something special.

the party moved upstairs as we looked at the process paintings from classes held there, mine still on the wall nearly finished. downstairs food, lounging, loquaciousness. the house was so alive with interaction, bliss, friends mixed together, spending time with one another, a tone of fun & well being.

the cake was unexpected - a deluxe Italian cream cake nearly a foot high with pink candles. i said a prayer & made a wish, squatting down to it's level & sweeping out the flames in one strong breath!

near the end of the night we made a circle & sent a huge prayer for the 12 million children who go hungry everyday in America. we held hands, moved into heartspace & beamed out our love to this group. as someone else added words i felt that blessing bestowed upon me, poured through my crown. i was so happy to offer this together & have our celebration energy directed outwards for healing, nourishment.

a beautiful day, a beautiful night. surrounded by such amazing people who give, who care, who are reaching for the highest fruits, who practice what they learn, who desire to grow & fulfill their reason for being. i am thankful!

day 33: bound lotus

a day mostly silent, alone in a room

somehow hours passed with no effort

ate lightly, breathed softly, long pauses

filled with water & earth, sun & wind

curry tofu with chopsticks & jasmine tea

warm smiles, meditation & music making.

today i am stronger. i stand steady, opened.

shedding, shifted. it all slides off.

day 32: psychic union pose

"forget about being ordinary"

it was so comforting to hear this today, told directly from an enlightened master. i have been craving comfort, clutching for familiar, wanting to take a break from needlessly suffering & and entire year of being unsettled. this was relief, proof that i am not just avoiding reality, messing around, being unresponsible. it was something sure i could hold to, an absolute. in this same conversation i was gifted an enormous opportunity to clear out & move forward in all ways; in one fell swoop my prayers for help were met with the most generous giving. i am so grateful.

sunday is dance day: moving with the morning, joints & muscles & bones interacting, expressing. i enjoyed the silence that dancing creates, an inetnse prescense. the Sagittarians of the community were put in the center of the closing circle & sung a collective birthday song; there are so many of us!

we gathered a caravan & traveled to see the Buddhist relics; i was close to them but did not see them. it is such an honor that these holy objects found their way to the little Vietnamese temple north of Houston. it was important today to be in proximity to high vibration, and despite having been in the parking lot talking to an enlightened master, i could still feel the significance being in the field of the relics.

we then then traveled to the St. Francis Wolf Preserve. the afternoon was simply gorgeous riding through the Texas country drinking warm tulsi bengal spice tea. the wolves were big, piercing eyes & in thick winter coats. they were just fed when we arrived & began howling sporadically. i didn't know we would be able to interact with them until we were seated & a wolf was brought out on a leash with a handler, a sleek white wolf that they called the Grace Kelly of the pack. the cool late afternoon continued into a colder evening. the dusk was majestic as we made our way past wooden fences & rolling acres of ranches.

thank you all for a magical day.

day 31: Baddha Padmasana

worked 3 jobs today, 9am - 2am:

watered the garden & tended to the animals. it felt good to be in the sunlight so early with the scent of wet soil, the birds singing hidden in the trees. went downtown to run a store, dead all day until the last hour, sold beyond the sales goal, spent the rest of my time listening to "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me" & knitted a green leaf.

tucked meditation in between jobs at the park; the grass beneath, a tree behind me. it felt wonderful to be outside to release & connect to actual earth amidst the soccer players, kite fliers, people waiting for the ice rink to open. refreshed & readied to begin the next phase:

food truck with the fire breathing chicken outside a music venue; i pushed the handmade waffles & fresh fries & veggie burgers. music fans & lovely drunks populating the scene, chatting them up closing degrees of separation over conversation making new friends, making change & making small talk. i remarked to myself how much i do love people; everyone has something good to give.

the lulls were filled with relationship & sex talk. i realized i feel a little unsafe being single sometimes, second guessing platonic relations with men, triple checking their motives, constantly clearing the channel & enacting self-restraint. inside is a sense that i am a sacred flower, i belong in the garden of one who knows how to handle, cherish, grow.

getting deep in freedom, knowing myself, holding my own.

day 30: bound lotus

when i finally nestled under the sheets after 40 waking hours, i opened my eyes after only 8. the banging of a hammer greeted my day, as did stepping out of dreams where i woke up resentful of what someone did, as if it was real.

i moved slowly into the morning. something in my vertebrae sparked, a nerve pinch in the oddest place. Joy came with her healing hands. the energy enfolded me and i felt myself go to the place i go when i am healing: a place that feels weightless, spacious, mindless. i allowed myself to be engulfed, on the floor in child's pose riding the intensity. afterward, we ate together & then drifted into our own afternoons.

i held a tiny hen in my hands that was pecking around a neighbor's lawn. they make the most unique sounds, bubbling clucking bird purrs! the man looked like a character - the old eccentric guy that has a story & tells it to you every time he sees you, the sits outside a lot & waves to people sort of folk. i was happy to meet him & the chickens. i plan i to bring him veggies sometime soon.

the air felt so good this evening, enjoyed the stars, the balanced temperature, the company. and food filled: mango kombucha, seaweed, french fries & fried cookies with ice cream - an unusual combo! but each delicious. the dinner talk was mild & mostly of the past. he mentioned how tonight i seemed more open than previously, and i agreed. i confessed that i used to be concerned with maintaining an image, something i could hide behind in the event that i might not be lovable. recent times have aborted my attempts to be out of alignment with authenticity. the heart is not where i started from, it's where i am coming back to.

meditation at the end of the night - a warm & cozy wrap up of the day, folded over & releasing the all & every, a psychic bath of presence & silence. happy to meet the sheets so soon again & to rest deeply.

day 29: psychic union pose

today has been a continuous stream of awake. a feeling underneath of all limitations surfacing to be annihilated, a pressure to be free on every level. growing in grace & following dreams.

this morning i was invited to a process painting session. i was compelled to do this despite no sleep. the need was great to express, to burn away the last bits left, to assist the part of me that wants to be delivered to its next phase of evolution.

purple was first. as i spread the paint with my left hand, i remembered: a silk sari, gorgeous meditative purple, hand embroidered with undyed thread at the hem & the part that goes over the shoulder. the most beautiful clothing i own. "he bought me that sari. it is this same color. i thought this gift meant we would last for such a long time." the tears fell with no sounds dropping onto the palette.

and far away i heard a voice that said: "it doesn't mean anything".

the silk sari: it doesn't mean anything. when we're friends, when we're not speaking: it's meaningless. when there are tears and awkward pauses: it has no meaning. it felt harsh, but i understood the message. attaching the thought to the object was creating pain, inventing meaning where it does not exist.

i let the black drown all, laid on thick, to blot out this purple memory. it never truly disappeared but blended together like twilight to dusk, the hint of it always there shining through. i was lost in the motions, my arm circling wide with black palm over & again. when i get lost i see where i am more clearly because i am paying attention, looking for the way home.

i painted with my hands & knees, painted with breasts, belly & feet. a green pea seed came into my inner vision. a seed that pushed out a sliver of a sprout. its destiny is to grow, to vine & reach many places. i mixed a vital red, so fresh on my hands, building support, sustaining life. piece by piece the vision emerged: a portal of nurturing, grounding love, rooting the heart.

in order for new life to begin, the old life must be sent away

after painting the entire day, i was moved to attend an engagement party halfway between Houston & Galveston. paint still all over my feet & knees & still no sleep, i attended with a friend, where we only really knew the groom-to-be's mother. the bride & groom live in Israel & came to the states to join the two families in celebration. the couple -to-be is youthful, fresh & orthodox Jews despite their both being raised not as such.

it was so lovely to see the people in my friend's life, the ones i have never met who populate the stories she has told. something in me loved seeing the families meeting, the blending of energies, the bright smiles, the occasion for joy, the sugar free cheesecake, the beautiful home overlooking Clear Lake.

and as i met the family who hosted the party, i remarked on their coordinated knit plum sweaters. "oh, yes, we wore this because the bride's favorite color is purple."

day 28: Baddha Padmasana

these present moments of ambiguity & rest are demanding; so easy for me to skim past these slow periods to push into productivity & success. but this is the time of gathering, a regrouping of will & intention. to settle where i find myself. to feel at home even when i have one suitcase and none of the decor is mine. to cease to achieve. to daydream.

and i briefly wondered how long this phase will last? but something seems to switch silently, and then it's all action. thus, determined to relish the lull that is upon!

spent an afternoon in the garden stripping purple pea plants off the trellises & sowing snowpeas to grow for the season. ate gooey queso blanco poblano rice with bright green brussels sprouts. took a meditation break when the sun went down & fingers were cold with the weather. i made many requests during the pose: a desire to balance between breaking free with responsibility, to allow a fresh start in a place where already so much history has established itself. to experience ease of transition, support, softness. a shiver moved through my spine out shoulders down through arms. immense power in being still, mindful of the moment.

a late night business meeting yielded meaningful insights & results, birthing the new endeavor thoughtfully in every way. weighing, washing, scribbling notes, rubber gloves, chopping & cleaning up well into the early morning. a surprise new Trek & initiation bike ride after 4am, cold thighs & small winding streets so much like the east coast i knew. frost sparkling the grass along the bayou. i lost all sense of direction & time; none of the roads seemed Houston with overgrown trees, clutterings of condos next to old homes. string lights, secret gardens & seeing in through windows the things people own, if they were still awake so late. the tires worked the terrain and shocks over potholes superb, the smoothest ride down the dark & quiet streets.

i was awake to see the dawn of the next day. the bed has remained bare and does not call me. there is an energy that compels me to push though a place that has been stuck. my motivation is plain, simple.

it's time.

day 27: bound lotus

meditation today felt different, as if i wasn't trying hard enough. it felt empty somehow, although i still shivered from energy rushes and came out of it clearer, the duration of it was struggling to shake away strange visions & unimportant pending chores. i felt like my body was a rag wringing itself of dirty water, limbs locked to squeeze the stains out. i had the sense that i need to be more brave.

my hair has been unwashed for days now, deep black sheen & heavy with oil. it looks luscious & healthy. the house is awkward with imbalance: arguments, broken bones, fragmented perspectives. the insanity is moving through. i send blessings through the ceiling. the cats come sometimes to my door at night; i pet their silky coats with an even hand.

i played the flute for someone over the phone after offering a prayer of love to the world. the tones were soothe and she said it calmed her, she felt lifted. it felt good to give.

i hear rain pelting the garden i did not water today; she is fed regardless. magenta pink & lime green are showing up in my world, flashing in small corners as i walk by. my heart sensitive all day, continuing to steep in solitude. there is beauty in these hushed times, like a fertilizer for later things to come.

day 26: psychic union pose

an inside day. the door shut. needing to fill with my own energy.

tiredness & wakefulness in waves.

meditation is a safe place: healing, lingering.

a desire for more time alone this way.

music threading through & uplifting.

it is a day when words have no meaning, but can be felt.

day 25: Baddha Padmasana

my new life has sprung forth from a broken commitment. having picked up and moved on, there was a void for a small span, a formless place from which springs all creation. my challenge was in allowing a vision to come. the seed determines all that follows, that which will grow. this time/space has allowed me to work with this energy directly, to choose what destiny to follow, find & recognize the inspiration & do what it takes to conjure the dream awake.

i created a commitment to meditate everyday, to write everyday. this commitment allowed the fruition of outcomes not possible without crossing that boundary of decision. committing to this everyday has produced thoughts/insights and strings of words together that would not exist without that structure. compulsions that seemed unavoidable are now nearly extinct. peace is settling into my body, into my life, there is more space for it now. this practice has allowed me to touch others, sharing in ways that i have not before. it has relieved a tendency to feel apart. it has produced a power that i am aware of, that i can focus my attention in any direction and yield results. and there are many aspects of this practice that i am still becoming aware of.

in a recurring vision, i saw myself being given a bansuri by an archangel. i was gifted the skill to play it and was given specific instructions on how to use it. i would see this scene in my head time & again, it seemed to be a wonderful musing. in meeting with a friend last week, she told me how she had a vision of playing a harp, that an angel would be with the harp & that she was getting a harp for Christmas because of this inspiration. i was shocked by the similarities of our vision. i shared with her mine & she asked when i would get a bansuri. i was totally stunned. i never once even had the thought to make a move on this vision. i simply let it come & play in my head over & over, never a notion that it could be brought to reality. "not many people daydream about playing a bansuri!". the shift for me was to take action without desire fueling it. i did not grow up wanting to play a flute; it is as random as me saying i wanted to be baker all my life. i have never turned in that direction. and yet, the vision called.

bridging that inspiration to manifestation, i had my first lesson today, of all places, in a church. there was an Aum sign on the wall with nothing else in the room but the light from the windows. we took two blankets and set them on the floor to sit crosslegged for our session. the teacher was so open, airy - light presence, languid manner. i could produce sound instantly, had the right posture, held the note steady for over 10 seconds, it was a match. the one correction that came more than once was to relax. arms, shoulders, hands. loosen, drop, allow. bansuri is the Tai Chi of instruments: the breath is long, even, the instrument near weightless & fingers faintly upon it. almost like doing nothing at all. we took time out to breathe, stretch fingers. i felt myself much the way i do in meditation: expanded, without thought, sheer.

i have been meditating without praying, and the message came to me: pray more, ask more. this another recurring message more than a decade in knocking on the door of my consciousness. what to ask for? but i only want one thing. it's why we're all here. to raise. to love all the time. to Realize.

Shashank Subramanyam and Purbayan Chatterjee at Darbar Festival 2009:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42W5Q5kJmZk

day 24: bound lotus

life has asked me to move, muscle, manage, make time. i am enjoying the whirlwind of activity, involvement level, balancing between in the world and inner self. today the kriya was a refuge; recharging the reserves, clearing the accumulation & dropping into a rest zone desperately needed in order to continue the day.

visited a food truck with a gigantic fire breathing chicken on it! the eats is street food gourmet; i had the mac & cheese (which is really ziti oozing with smoked gouda & topped with scallions) for only $4. a friend in tow got the Houston Hot Dog: jalapenos, high quality meat, bacon, colby cheese in bun from local Kraftsman Bakery for $5. a fun way to spend the late afternoon with 2 friends in the unseasonable 77 degree weather!

proceeded to plant kale & chard as dusk descended. poked holes at six inch intervals & leveled fertilized soil. watered down the transplants & hugged goodbye when night took over. it is wonderful to bring friends to the garden, to share quiet time with each other & with the tiny earth that is there. it gives so much & there is so much to give to it.

worked well into the night/early morning immersed in the intricacies of the job at hand. enjoyed working alongside another while listening to spiritual discourses, the words & phrases lingered as i touched the food & assimilated the teachings. the feeling of exerting my body to accomplish was new, felt the need to push & pace the effort hour after hour until completion.

i took one break: blue/grey sky behind green treetops with large luminous clouds and clear stars sparkling from far distances beyond 4am. the air was cooled; i felt such sweetness to sneak time with mama Houston, basking in the secret splendor of her December. i sat & sipped Just Concord, the deep color & flavor matching my mood, the tone of the moment: a vibrant silence, sensitive & sobering.

the constant message has been love, forgiveness. the hard wiring of my mind tuning to this everyday, more & more. despite the tumult of change & uncertainty, there is this knowingness that love & forgiveness is the foundation worthy of building upon. everyday, a brick.

day 23: psychic union pose

after the kriya, i remained in an altered state: a soft feeling around my body, a sense of comfort. i did not want to stop meditating after the allotted time. i had the notion that it may have been attachment to pleasure creeping into my experience so i raised myself out of the pose & slowly stretched.

there was something in the air today. i felt melted, an inner sun dissolving the hard places. internal heat; a sense of something slipping away, space being made; golden light emerging. and the afternoon itself was yellow, walking was each step easy & houses festive decorated, simple solace strolling down the middle of the street, touched by the thoughtfulness of ribbons, ornaments & lights.

planted over a hundred seedlings this evening. the beds are deceptively diminutive & fit more than what can be deduced simply by looking. i planted with bare hands & walked with bare feet in the fresh black soil laying tape measure to set straight rows. Joy arrived & we planted together, talking & silent, wrestling to eject the tender seedlings from their plastic cocoons sometimes too soon & soil spilled, roots exposed. replaced explicatives in the garden with the sound OM, maintaining the peace space & laughing out loud under a night sky & nearly new moon.

gathered with friends at Blisstonia to sing together, shook shakers & hit hand drums to songs i didn't know and didn't have the mind to learn the words to. but i fell into a deep quiet inside despite keeping a tambourine in time with the guitar. colored lights lined the ficus & the beauty of the room filled me.

gratitude in the spaces between talking & doing, meeting & moving, eyes opened & eyes closed. thank you for the love, ease, comfort, support, creativity, opportunities! thank you for truth, teachers, organic food, meditation, music, oracles! thank you for cell phones, carpools, Gmail chat, Kerr jars, e-calendars, Cuisinarts & facebook!

day 22: Baddha Padmasana

Baddha Padmasana becoming such a part of the daily flow it seems to almost disappear, like breathing. the impact of the practice is simmering to subtlety: deep, vital, silently working.

the day launched in joyousness, filled with anticipation for the activities that would fill it. an intense need to focus was revealed; many things have been jumping in front of me pulling for my attention. focused on the tasks: research, e-mails, meditation, talks, time management, time for music, time for work, time to write. an enormous endeavor to push through low tides of energy & interference to meet the needs of the day. the effort was met with reward.

i hugged someone who needed it, generous with the warmth ample within, easily poured from me. sharing this way felt useful, as if i was born for the simple task of giving.

the evening spent indulging in good food with sweet people, nibbling greens from the garden & hours in a kitchen cleaning, prepping & creating life filled food. the reggae bhakti music danced between mashers & tubs & glass and latex gloved hands. the creations were marvelous, awed by the color & composition, sealed away like a secret, to be seen again when the proper time has passed.

i walked home in the early morning looking up at the sky. the stars were strong and i walked among them too. i felt myself spanning distances, existing bigger than my body. i haven't been wishing on any of them even though they know when i touch them with my requests. i have been quiet, learning how to ask & what to ask for. despite this, the gifts have been delivered, everyday.

day 21: bound lotus

bound lotus today felt quick & sweet. the left leg on top is easing into new flexibility. i expressed gratitude during the pose and i could feel that thankfulness recycle through my body & amplify. stronger & sturdier in the body, lighter & clearer in mood. everyday an increase.

the vittles were deeply healthy & delectable: bright sun & green drink with bee pollen/flax/hemp/nut butter, veggies with fresh avocado - all good fuel for the farm work today. i mounted the tractor, leveled all the tall weeds with grass & dust puffed in the air. said hello to the dogs, the goats, was accosted by an agitated duck & made friends with a turkey that survived Thanksgiving.

meditated while moving though activities: on the couch waiting, in the car, pulling plant roots from the earth, while eating, in moments alone. there was a heavy tug on me to be in this state of intense presence throughout the day. i reminded myself often to let go of thoughts creeping up from the past, a future that is gone. breathe & be here. and i would snap back to present moment, feel the cool on my skin and proceed from where i found myself standing. reminded. meditation as a moving practice.

day 20: psychic union pose

today was a day of giving. hours spent in holding space, listening & spontaneously channeling for someone. the flow of energy merging with my field - i forgot how good it feels to raise in pure space transmitting special messages & touch transmissions. she cried & imbibed all that was given, penned down the words leaving my lips while my mind, so present moment, hardly had any memory to hold all that came. i shared as i felt it, saw it, translated to words the communications. there was a grounded, peaceful air about the room when the connection ceased, a strong silence punctuated with the tick tock of the clock as we breathed.

arrived home to hours long conversation on the phone. it was an assessment of the year: reviewing, understanding, clarifying, putting each piece in its place, perceiving where everything stands. no promises or decisions made, but a survey of the interior. how to proceed knowing moment to moment things change? but, it felt good to share despite craving resolution.

the kriya today was uncomfortable; the left leg on top half lotus pain was dull but consistent. i sent breath & effort to release tension in many different areas of my body (shoulders, arms, thighs). i felt myself charging up shivering from electric jolts. i asked to burn burn burn karma, so that this next part of my life can be smoother, that i can face people clearly without wanting to cling or question my motives. purity of connection, purity of words, to sustain the inner peace that has been laid out within from the work of recent days.

George Winston's solo piano album Autumn filling the room. 36 degrees and bare legs, zipped up fleece & pink pashmina. i stay up late sometimes just because. there is a sweetbitter stillness like dark chocolate in these late hours. i feel alert somehow, aware of a tone that seems to feed me as i try to fill my wakefulness with some meaning. but sometimes it's just enough to bear witness to the night that no one knows, here in my small room with the garden outside the windows. the flowers & herbs maintain their beauty & bounty in this cold, gently tough through the ups & downs of weather. just like me, i think to myself. just like me.

day 19: Baddha Padmasana

a day of silence, a night of music; insulated with meditation, ease & challenges in succession.

the pose difficult today with left leg up in half lotus was pain, stiffness, discomfort. this leg switch was necessary despite old school yoga holding to right leg on top, always. effort to relax and refocus, these tensions stored in tissues slowly squeezed from their hiding places. breath staccato skipping seconds as if scooping deep, shoveling stagnant debris and sputtering on the density of it. afterward, laid down and fell asleep. was awakened hearing my own name called, and, sitting up, realized the sound was from inside.

last day of temp job was as fast as 8 hours could be, dancing to music in my black ruched salsa dress and pink pashmina, green smoothies & good chats with customers, this day the highest selling day. connected to deep silence unexpectedly at different intervals, feeling the silence begin to penetrate and expand in my field, dropping into that state quickly and emerging steadily out of it; a sensation of building a pathway from ordinary consciousness to a profound place. not the ideal location to lapse into these states, jolting myself out of it a few times thinking someone may have entered the store. overall, a process i am happy is happening.

so close yet so much still to go. continuing to detach, to unclutch with one hand, allow on the other. and each action looks the same. on another level, i see even the most well meaning of people can choose darkness, and it's my choice as to how close in proximity i shall allow myself to be to it. letting the energy cook out each layer and rise, reminding myself constantly what it is i am choosing for myself, who it is that i am. i am not swayed as i used to be swayed, i do not want what i used to want; these both are blessed upgrades.

day 18: bound lotus

i truly see there is no loss flowering into wholeness.

days of longing & feeling apart have fruited a deep motivation to elevate, to ask in ways i have never asked before; each request perfectly fulfilled. the progress is accelerating, the shifts frequent and stabilizing. i am realizing my own miracle skin, that everything i am looking for is held under it. grounding reality & closer to that day when behind my eyes an eternal light of love.

the kriya today was nearly unnoticeable in the field of Guru Grace Love. i did the pose during dinner break in a dark room alone with the Ek Ong Kaar mantra. i felt the channels clearing & was grateful for the addition of this to my day imbibing high truth teachings.

my eyes were closed as often as they were open. we danced to move stifled energy out of the body, loosened up and sprayed each other with special clearing water. the hours disappeared as she spoke directly on being truly free, her words charged, feeling wave after wave of intensity. she gave me a blessing to release the pain from recent events & read her poetry afterward. i was grateful to glide between her verses, feeling the words make new connections within buzzing the top of my head.

Guruji told a story of Arjuna, when he was asked to kill several family members in a civil war. this killing symbolized burning karma, clearing all the accumulated attachments. some time after Arjuna did this, he was walking somewhere & as he turned he saw a fire and around the fire, all the family members he had killed. when he approached they were elated & celebrated being together. i felt such sweet tears welling up hearing this, my heart yearning to be in this connection with those who are or have been so close to me; to burn away all the hurt, the lies, the untruth and to remain in the love, celebrating together because we are all free.

day 17: psychic union pose

i awoke feeling fresh. i received the message that this would be a day of miracles. an unexpected offer led me to a rare opportunity; one word was spoken that compelled me to say yes to it: Integration. this word, this action, was what i had been needing most of all.

from the start of the year, i had surrendered a relationship that was more than 5 years long, the place i had been living in all that time, the job, the city, the friends, the orchestra i played with; everything my life contained i drained so that i could heed the call to serve Divine Purpose. spent months challenged, clearing patterns, cocooned, blessed, building awareness, passing the tests, surrendering, swimming in the ocean. and after all of this another twist of timing to land me back in Houston within one week of making the decision. as i transitioned i was struck with a reality that was more dense, less sensitive & faced with all i had left behind.

in this month of my return, i felt strong: things were forming, coordinating, coming together. and then, i made choices that damaged the inner state i achieved. i felt like i had fallen from a great height & been beaten, in so much pain i began this meditation practice to re-energize my luminous body. the tumult of this entire year has shaken me to the core; when i heard the word Integration, i felt my entire lifeforce pull in that direction, wanting desperately to solidify all that has become of myself in 2010.

i was gifted to be in the presence of a living enlightened master today. a woman from the south with monk short hair sat and spoke directly, simply. her words echoed the teachings i am filled with, the names of non-physical beings i trust, the thoughts & spontaneous realizations i have been having and resolving questions i have been wanting the answers to. i feel like a crumb of the conundrum of how to move forward was dropped in my lap. escalating elation knowing any second it can happen, i can activate that latent Me, experience that whole, fulfilled being that I Am in the physical body. i am so close i can taste the sweetness of it on my tongue.

psychic union pose was done during dinner break with 3 others. all our crowns faced each other in a circle. i sang the mantra aloud for the first time. my body was shaking with energy. meditating together increased the power of the practice. i felt ease & escalation of energy, a wonderful enhancement to the overall tone of the evening.

i was given the message to gift Guru Grace Love with my necklace. it is my favorite necklace of a butterfly wing housed in glass & sterling silver. the colors are unlike any colors i have ever seen in a butterfly: iridescent orange, gold, magenta & blue. i was reluctant - my mind said "but it's my favorite necklace! isn't there something else in my bag i can give her?". and i understood that part of me that wanted to hold on was holding me back, in every way. i felt the fear of parting with something i so dearly wanted to keep. i told myself i could buy another one. but i understood that this was a test: would i hold on to something after understanding it keeps me away from exactly that which i am wanting? would i willingly give up a symbol of transformation (butterfly) to be the living embodiment?

i approached her and i thanked her for reminding me that it was easy. i told her that i was called to give her this necklace, which was a favorite of mine. she held the necklace between her hands as i put my palms together to regard her with closed eyes. i then felt her put the necklace back on me. she said she could enjoy it more when she saw it on me, that giving away what you want will allow you to have it. i had seen this event happen in my mind's eye. i dismissed it as wishful thinking and when she gave it back from her blessed hands i abounded with happiness! when i let go, it returned, even more vibrant & beautiful then when i gave it away.

gratitude reverberating in my consciousness. the words thank you, i love you repeating themselves as the faces of all those who ever touched my life pass behind my eyes. i love you & thank you all.

day 16: Baddha Padmasana

flowing red shedding with the moon. feeling soft, quiet, soft, boundless. all unacknowledged yearning surfacing to skin pushing through pores.

i learned what it was people expected, wanted, preferred so i could be that, deliver. like work, perform/pay. the understanding struck today that who i truly am is what people need. i fit, there is a place for me. when i am myself, where i belong naturally rises to meet me. emotions are not a commodity that can be gained & spent as easily as money, ruled by its own logic and laws.

at the end of the kriya, i remembered something told to me: you have been through turmoil, your soul is tired. when the words hit me, i cried. i felt a sense of overwhelming failure on all levels, utter & total loss of everything, fruitless sacrifices and scraping myself off of the bottom of existence. emotion tide, intense. and then, dissipated. moved from the emptiness of being poured out into serene laughter chatting with, literally, the most beautiful being on the planet.

dancing as i compose my birthday party playlist in the early a.m. 32 degrees outside & the smell of heat. i am deliciously hollow, feeling the blackness of the hour and the pulsing of stars. a great night to travel the solar system.

day 15: bound lotus

i awoke from a dream: a relationship in the balance was awaiting a decision. there were no words and no visuals - all the communication & actions were sensed; i was able to translate the energy language. i felt what he chose. i was angry. i was throwing things, things were breaking. i saw a peephole future of the other person, a flash of possible consequences down the line. i would have, and did, sacrifice my own happiness to have that future avoided. in the wake of the shift, i was not jealous. i knew the problems would replicate; changing the pieces on the board would not change the level of the player, would not change the core of the problems experienced. and in that, i gained peace knowing i was free and not missing anything. there was a sense of "i am bigger than this, so much more is meant for me to have". i opened my eyes and knew immediately this was not a dream but something that happened in a place where people talk without bodies. and that all that i saw & sensed was true. i nearly gave into a wistful mood but the push for Thanksgiving food making/coordinating and dressing up gave me a purpose, and in having purpose i was contained in a feeling of contentment.

it was the biggest Thanksgiving i ever attended, and all such delightful company. the food was beautiful - Jeff had made mashed potatoes with sour cream, butter, and other mystery goodness, stuffing with sweet potatoes, red quinoa, rosemary & sage from the garden, celery root puree (divne!), goat milk rice pudding with fresh vanilla bean and a caramel sauce to pair with it AND a raw strawberry cheesecake! the place settings were exquisite, decorated with red tea roses & sunflowers and porcelain plates with blue & white designs. the conversation was easy and there was an overall feeling of knowing everyone, even though this mix of people did not gather together often (and in some cases, ever!) or in this particular combination. the cold front came upon, finally feeling like November.

i went to Fitzgerald's and realized if i did not do my kriya practice at some point in the venue i would lose my momentum of daily sadhana. i found a little nook that was perfect - dark, away from foot traffic, out of the cold & elevated off the floor. i scooted into this little area, took my heels off & did the pose before I Am Mesmer went on. i had a mantra on my phone to drown out the noise from boozy conversations. i felt i was able to go within easily despite the noise & agitation; i was able to stay centered. i felt i accomplished something by being able to directly meditate and feel my own space with so much stimulation all around. i was blessed to have come out of meditation just as my favorite band in Houston took the stage. Luna pulled me up front & we danced, danced, danced! i danced the dance of the music, hair tossing hip swiveling beats and my sequined pumpkin colored sweater glinting orange light in all directions. Sunshine & Paola were behind, loving the music they never heard before, enjoying the enthusiasm in the room & the ridiculously talented musicians!

upstairs listening to Tyagaraja i danced with softness, wrist to wrist, fingertips, spines against one another. i danced with the intention to bloom: my true self now, my true self now. i have nothing but love, i have nothing but love. my cells steeped with the repetition, the motion of the body inscribed those words in my cells, the thoughts said again & again to myself to penetrate the nucleus of each and burst forth that spark of creation, living the words in my field of experience where i can touch them. where they can touch me.

the mantra today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_LKdAGphsE%EF%BB%BF

day 14: psychic union pose

a long day with many transitions - from cramped
indoors listening to christmas songs while knitting to cozy at home
naked to raw vegan potluck we missed and saw people we haven't seen in
so long to meeting happy couchsurfing travelers passing through so full
of enthusiasm to all night kitchen projects and initiating the energy of
a new venture on the day of gratitude! a mouthful, a heaping plenty,
a good day to start, to be happy, to be grateful. the Sagittarius season
of celebration & togetherness is ultimate.

Why Gartitude is Good:
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_gratitude_is_good/

day13: Baddha Padmasana

barefoot walking the path into myself, remaining open (against the tendency to close off) contained in a connection with no expectations. finding, and holding, center. i am that strength within, paying close attention. the pose today was gratitude & grace. sung parts of the mantra i knew, energy accelerated, current charged the core, traversed the spine, spread outward. the garden watered itself.

The Truth by Handsome Boy Modeling School:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL7tz03v8wc

day 12: bound lotus

began the day with this pose. worked a whole day inside, a 10-6 shift. shocked the sun had slipped under the horizon when i went outside, my skin so used to the rhythm of the light. wondering how something as unnatural as working indoors for hours became standard, became accepted.

in the darkness of the evening under the full of the moon, a part of me was hurting. instincts wanted to cut away this part, to not feel what it wanted to express as intense pain in the center of my chest. a deep desire to cease struggling against myself, my own nature. the truth of who i am. the bursting out to a new level. desire for true liberation. the process which follows this intent.

in awareness that love, unlike other things, cannot be earned. no matter what i do or do not do, regardless to the degree of which i am devoted, open minded, moral, attractive, spiritual or intelligent, it does not secure an outcome of love. it does not merit love as a reward, or another's committed heart. it does not guarantee a future or success or a clear path. love cannot be approached with any goal other than it.

having fresh memories of the unreliability of other people's word, the unreliability of sacrificing myself so that another may succeed, the ease of which i deny myself, i felt that all i had done, demonstrated and gave up would yield me what i desire most. alas. pushing fresh up against this idea i created, operated from, causes pain. if the truth hurts, it is because the lies were so easy to believe.

peeling. pleading. pain. progress. persevere.

http://www.writespirit.net/spirituality/spiritual_masters/a_liberated_soul_vs__a_god-realised_master

A Liberated Soul vs. A God-Realised Master

The following excerpt was taken from "The Summits of God-Life: Samadhi and Siddhi" by Sri Chinmoy.

The world has seen thousands and thousands of liberated souls, but not all liberated souls work in the world of ignorance. Many are afraid that ignorance will threaten them and try to devour them. One who is just liberated has come out of the room which is full of darkness, but this does not necessarily mean he is truly qualified to be a spiritual guide. To be a spiritual guide in the highest sense of the term, one must be commissioned by the Supreme. One may have spiritual knowledge, spiritual power and so forth, but if he is not authorised by the Highest to guide humanity, he cannot be a real spiritual Master.

day 11: psychic union pose

i surrender all difficulty & confusion. i simply desire to Be.

day 10: Baddha Padmasana

inward saturday: a quiet mood in a small, clean, comfortable space.
wore a black gown and laid on the persian rug petting a silky black cat.
hands in dirt planting & nibbling herbs in the garden.
easy asana time sinking deep into the mantra, feeling
the word currents electrify my cells.

http://susannassketchbook.typepad.com/susannas_sketchbook/page/11/

day 9: bound lotus

it was the very last thing i did on this day, to the minute. the start of the day was waking from odd dreams followed by the most unpleasant experience i have had in months. the energy from said event loomed cloudy hours after. despite this, the signs are pointing to a new life emerging and plenty of joy.

food is a steady focus playing with veggies & fruits and naming the curious liquids when they emerge from the Vitamix 3600 tap. nurtured in nature. gratitude felt is needing more expression. moving from "alone" to "on my own", gaining confidence in action. the asana was soothe & silence a long time afterward. time & space were altered: a sense of floating out then anchoring back into my body, fully. these days love seems sometimes small, sometimes simple, sometimes spontaneous, sometimes sleeping, sometimes slippery, sometimes soft.

Vitamix 3600 cooking demo:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYiEE01PgyM