in honor of Mary Magdalene's annual Feast Day (July 22), a group of women came together to walk a labyrinth.
walking a labyrinth is an ancient practice, a moving meditation. one walks upon the pathway in their own timing. the thoughts that come may illustrate what is in the way in life: obstacles, modes of thinking, patterns that could be contributing to unsatisfactory outcomes. this walk towards the center is a time to witness & notice what arises from within. when the center is finally reached, it is a moment to surrender & receive from that silent space, for however long that would be. walking from the center outward, the purpose is to move that filled up feeling into life beyond the labyrinth.
we filed along the side, sauntering one by one from the southern point of the circular spiraling pattern, 11 layers deep. the wind was strong this night & had blown the candles out that were scattered across the field to illuminate the curves in the path. it was difficult to see. i had a sudden thought to grab the lighter in my purse. i had bought it on a whim in a gas station on a road trip simply because it had a ferocious tiger on it i was delighted this special night was the inaugural use of the tiger lighter!
when it was my turn to begin the walk, i knew it was my job to relight the candles on the path. i bent down, turned the glass upside down. gusts & drafts bent the flame over my thumb numerous times. the button to ignite was hard to push down with one lone finger. the shape of the lighter proved to be aesthetic & inefficient for profuse use, like lighting 50 candles on a windy night. the wicks would catch the fire, often flickering for seconds before being blown out again. still, i walked & crouched to each candle that appeared on my path.
as i walked, i noticed how my body was tracing along. i began to feel like i might have missed a turn and was heading back out, away from center. with my focus of lighting candles, burning my thumb & trying to push the button down, i was worried i went the wrong way. a part of me wanted to jump the black brick outlines & go to the center, because i probably skipped a turn and was on my way out. i did not want to miss the center! i told myself if i did actually somehow miss the center and found myself on the line for the finish, i would turn around and go straight to the middle.
and through this odd anxiety i still went about the work of lighting candles. a woman closeby had whispered in my direction: "they keep going out!".
this summed it all up. that moment. when people invalidate an act of inspiration. when the elements seem to conspire to have things their way. when it seems like nothing at all is supporting that small voice that told me to light those candles. after hearing what she said, i looked across where i had walked to survey the scene. there were glints of yellow light warming the inky blue cast of sky, small glows dancing. i was facing myself, seeing my journey inside. what i decided was happening was:
facing my obstacle of feeling/seeing lack of support.
to use that as an excuse to give up.
facing feeling foolish for following an inner calling that seems to derive no material success.
that i crave the direct way of getting somewhere, not the circular way.
especially when i see where to go but the path seems to lead away from it.
lack of trust.
clarity.
sigh.
i felt even if the effort of lighting every candle resulted in just a few remaining lit, it was worth it. if it's lighting up white wax votives or lighting up people with what i share, it may be that not all stay lit, not all carry the flame. but with that effort & contact, some fires remained. the labyrinth showed me that. and those little lights helped the people who came after me, enhanced the mood, the sacredness. the message was obvious, and i felt it deeply.
i decided to cease lighting the candles until i reached the center. i also dropped the absurd anxiousness of not getting to the center. there just isn't a wrong way to do this!
i had gone barefoot. the surface was sharp gravely bits that were certainly keeping my awareness honed (i have feet! i have feet! i really feel them!). it felt good to imagine all of this stuff i just discovered leaking out of my feet into the gravel & the dirt beneath. so fucking grateful.
and without notice, i was at the center. i did a mini jump up & down as not to disturb the others on their trip. i sat down in front of the group of candles & lit them. i put my hands on the ground & felt that moment. it felt like nothing. it felt like tingles. inner movements. quiet. i loved how the gravel memorized my hand prints. i departed with so much joy. i wanted to skip & dance my way out, but with others around, i felt it would be too distracting for me to express fully. so the smallest joyful thing i did was to, at a turn, instead of walking in the direction of the turn, i counter-turned. this made me feel like i was dancing, a little counter spin at each point. it felt so heightening to do this!
at the end, the facilitator greeted each person. when i came to the exit, she hugged me & said "thank you for lighting those candles". i smiled.
thank you Mary for kindling me,
for miracles when i thought none were left
for your outpouring of love
and teaching me how to do the same
love, love, love
flowers for Mary
Madelines for Mary
