day 19: Baddha Padmasana

a day of silence, a night of music; insulated with meditation, ease & challenges in succession.

the pose difficult today with left leg up in half lotus was pain, stiffness, discomfort. this leg switch was necessary despite old school yoga holding to right leg on top, always. effort to relax and refocus, these tensions stored in tissues slowly squeezed from their hiding places. breath staccato skipping seconds as if scooping deep, shoveling stagnant debris and sputtering on the density of it. afterward, laid down and fell asleep. was awakened hearing my own name called, and, sitting up, realized the sound was from inside.

last day of temp job was as fast as 8 hours could be, dancing to music in my black ruched salsa dress and pink pashmina, green smoothies & good chats with customers, this day the highest selling day. connected to deep silence unexpectedly at different intervals, feeling the silence begin to penetrate and expand in my field, dropping into that state quickly and emerging steadily out of it; a sensation of building a pathway from ordinary consciousness to a profound place. not the ideal location to lapse into these states, jolting myself out of it a few times thinking someone may have entered the store. overall, a process i am happy is happening.

so close yet so much still to go. continuing to detach, to unclutch with one hand, allow on the other. and each action looks the same. on another level, i see even the most well meaning of people can choose darkness, and it's my choice as to how close in proximity i shall allow myself to be to it. letting the energy cook out each layer and rise, reminding myself constantly what it is i am choosing for myself, who it is that i am. i am not swayed as i used to be swayed, i do not want what i used to want; these both are blessed upgrades.

day 18: bound lotus

i truly see there is no loss flowering into wholeness.

days of longing & feeling apart have fruited a deep motivation to elevate, to ask in ways i have never asked before; each request perfectly fulfilled. the progress is accelerating, the shifts frequent and stabilizing. i am realizing my own miracle skin, that everything i am looking for is held under it. grounding reality & closer to that day when behind my eyes an eternal light of love.

the kriya today was nearly unnoticeable in the field of Guru Grace Love. i did the pose during dinner break in a dark room alone with the Ek Ong Kaar mantra. i felt the channels clearing & was grateful for the addition of this to my day imbibing high truth teachings.

my eyes were closed as often as they were open. we danced to move stifled energy out of the body, loosened up and sprayed each other with special clearing water. the hours disappeared as she spoke directly on being truly free, her words charged, feeling wave after wave of intensity. she gave me a blessing to release the pain from recent events & read her poetry afterward. i was grateful to glide between her verses, feeling the words make new connections within buzzing the top of my head.

Guruji told a story of Arjuna, when he was asked to kill several family members in a civil war. this killing symbolized burning karma, clearing all the accumulated attachments. some time after Arjuna did this, he was walking somewhere & as he turned he saw a fire and around the fire, all the family members he had killed. when he approached they were elated & celebrated being together. i felt such sweet tears welling up hearing this, my heart yearning to be in this connection with those who are or have been so close to me; to burn away all the hurt, the lies, the untruth and to remain in the love, celebrating together because we are all free.

day 17: psychic union pose

i awoke feeling fresh. i received the message that this would be a day of miracles. an unexpected offer led me to a rare opportunity; one word was spoken that compelled me to say yes to it: Integration. this word, this action, was what i had been needing most of all.

from the start of the year, i had surrendered a relationship that was more than 5 years long, the place i had been living in all that time, the job, the city, the friends, the orchestra i played with; everything my life contained i drained so that i could heed the call to serve Divine Purpose. spent months challenged, clearing patterns, cocooned, blessed, building awareness, passing the tests, surrendering, swimming in the ocean. and after all of this another twist of timing to land me back in Houston within one week of making the decision. as i transitioned i was struck with a reality that was more dense, less sensitive & faced with all i had left behind.

in this month of my return, i felt strong: things were forming, coordinating, coming together. and then, i made choices that damaged the inner state i achieved. i felt like i had fallen from a great height & been beaten, in so much pain i began this meditation practice to re-energize my luminous body. the tumult of this entire year has shaken me to the core; when i heard the word Integration, i felt my entire lifeforce pull in that direction, wanting desperately to solidify all that has become of myself in 2010.

i was gifted to be in the presence of a living enlightened master today. a woman from the south with monk short hair sat and spoke directly, simply. her words echoed the teachings i am filled with, the names of non-physical beings i trust, the thoughts & spontaneous realizations i have been having and resolving questions i have been wanting the answers to. i feel like a crumb of the conundrum of how to move forward was dropped in my lap. escalating elation knowing any second it can happen, i can activate that latent Me, experience that whole, fulfilled being that I Am in the physical body. i am so close i can taste the sweetness of it on my tongue.

psychic union pose was done during dinner break with 3 others. all our crowns faced each other in a circle. i sang the mantra aloud for the first time. my body was shaking with energy. meditating together increased the power of the practice. i felt ease & escalation of energy, a wonderful enhancement to the overall tone of the evening.

i was given the message to gift Guru Grace Love with my necklace. it is my favorite necklace of a butterfly wing housed in glass & sterling silver. the colors are unlike any colors i have ever seen in a butterfly: iridescent orange, gold, magenta & blue. i was reluctant - my mind said "but it's my favorite necklace! isn't there something else in my bag i can give her?". and i understood that part of me that wanted to hold on was holding me back, in every way. i felt the fear of parting with something i so dearly wanted to keep. i told myself i could buy another one. but i understood that this was a test: would i hold on to something after understanding it keeps me away from exactly that which i am wanting? would i willingly give up a symbol of transformation (butterfly) to be the living embodiment?

i approached her and i thanked her for reminding me that it was easy. i told her that i was called to give her this necklace, which was a favorite of mine. she held the necklace between her hands as i put my palms together to regard her with closed eyes. i then felt her put the necklace back on me. she said she could enjoy it more when she saw it on me, that giving away what you want will allow you to have it. i had seen this event happen in my mind's eye. i dismissed it as wishful thinking and when she gave it back from her blessed hands i abounded with happiness! when i let go, it returned, even more vibrant & beautiful then when i gave it away.

gratitude reverberating in my consciousness. the words thank you, i love you repeating themselves as the faces of all those who ever touched my life pass behind my eyes. i love you & thank you all.

day 16: Baddha Padmasana

flowing red shedding with the moon. feeling soft, quiet, soft, boundless. all unacknowledged yearning surfacing to skin pushing through pores.

i learned what it was people expected, wanted, preferred so i could be that, deliver. like work, perform/pay. the understanding struck today that who i truly am is what people need. i fit, there is a place for me. when i am myself, where i belong naturally rises to meet me. emotions are not a commodity that can be gained & spent as easily as money, ruled by its own logic and laws.

at the end of the kriya, i remembered something told to me: you have been through turmoil, your soul is tired. when the words hit me, i cried. i felt a sense of overwhelming failure on all levels, utter & total loss of everything, fruitless sacrifices and scraping myself off of the bottom of existence. emotion tide, intense. and then, dissipated. moved from the emptiness of being poured out into serene laughter chatting with, literally, the most beautiful being on the planet.

dancing as i compose my birthday party playlist in the early a.m. 32 degrees outside & the smell of heat. i am deliciously hollow, feeling the blackness of the hour and the pulsing of stars. a great night to travel the solar system.

day 15: bound lotus

i awoke from a dream: a relationship in the balance was awaiting a decision. there were no words and no visuals - all the communication & actions were sensed; i was able to translate the energy language. i felt what he chose. i was angry. i was throwing things, things were breaking. i saw a peephole future of the other person, a flash of possible consequences down the line. i would have, and did, sacrifice my own happiness to have that future avoided. in the wake of the shift, i was not jealous. i knew the problems would replicate; changing the pieces on the board would not change the level of the player, would not change the core of the problems experienced. and in that, i gained peace knowing i was free and not missing anything. there was a sense of "i am bigger than this, so much more is meant for me to have". i opened my eyes and knew immediately this was not a dream but something that happened in a place where people talk without bodies. and that all that i saw & sensed was true. i nearly gave into a wistful mood but the push for Thanksgiving food making/coordinating and dressing up gave me a purpose, and in having purpose i was contained in a feeling of contentment.

it was the biggest Thanksgiving i ever attended, and all such delightful company. the food was beautiful - Jeff had made mashed potatoes with sour cream, butter, and other mystery goodness, stuffing with sweet potatoes, red quinoa, rosemary & sage from the garden, celery root puree (divne!), goat milk rice pudding with fresh vanilla bean and a caramel sauce to pair with it AND a raw strawberry cheesecake! the place settings were exquisite, decorated with red tea roses & sunflowers and porcelain plates with blue & white designs. the conversation was easy and there was an overall feeling of knowing everyone, even though this mix of people did not gather together often (and in some cases, ever!) or in this particular combination. the cold front came upon, finally feeling like November.

i went to Fitzgerald's and realized if i did not do my kriya practice at some point in the venue i would lose my momentum of daily sadhana. i found a little nook that was perfect - dark, away from foot traffic, out of the cold & elevated off the floor. i scooted into this little area, took my heels off & did the pose before I Am Mesmer went on. i had a mantra on my phone to drown out the noise from boozy conversations. i felt i was able to go within easily despite the noise & agitation; i was able to stay centered. i felt i accomplished something by being able to directly meditate and feel my own space with so much stimulation all around. i was blessed to have come out of meditation just as my favorite band in Houston took the stage. Luna pulled me up front & we danced, danced, danced! i danced the dance of the music, hair tossing hip swiveling beats and my sequined pumpkin colored sweater glinting orange light in all directions. Sunshine & Paola were behind, loving the music they never heard before, enjoying the enthusiasm in the room & the ridiculously talented musicians!

upstairs listening to Tyagaraja i danced with softness, wrist to wrist, fingertips, spines against one another. i danced with the intention to bloom: my true self now, my true self now. i have nothing but love, i have nothing but love. my cells steeped with the repetition, the motion of the body inscribed those words in my cells, the thoughts said again & again to myself to penetrate the nucleus of each and burst forth that spark of creation, living the words in my field of experience where i can touch them. where they can touch me.

the mantra today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_LKdAGphsE%EF%BB%BF

day 14: psychic union pose

a long day with many transitions - from cramped
indoors listening to christmas songs while knitting to cozy at home
naked to raw vegan potluck we missed and saw people we haven't seen in
so long to meeting happy couchsurfing travelers passing through so full
of enthusiasm to all night kitchen projects and initiating the energy of
a new venture on the day of gratitude! a mouthful, a heaping plenty,
a good day to start, to be happy, to be grateful. the Sagittarius season
of celebration & togetherness is ultimate.

Why Gartitude is Good:
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_gratitude_is_good/

day13: Baddha Padmasana

barefoot walking the path into myself, remaining open (against the tendency to close off) contained in a connection with no expectations. finding, and holding, center. i am that strength within, paying close attention. the pose today was gratitude & grace. sung parts of the mantra i knew, energy accelerated, current charged the core, traversed the spine, spread outward. the garden watered itself.

The Truth by Handsome Boy Modeling School:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL7tz03v8wc

day 12: bound lotus

began the day with this pose. worked a whole day inside, a 10-6 shift. shocked the sun had slipped under the horizon when i went outside, my skin so used to the rhythm of the light. wondering how something as unnatural as working indoors for hours became standard, became accepted.

in the darkness of the evening under the full of the moon, a part of me was hurting. instincts wanted to cut away this part, to not feel what it wanted to express as intense pain in the center of my chest. a deep desire to cease struggling against myself, my own nature. the truth of who i am. the bursting out to a new level. desire for true liberation. the process which follows this intent.

in awareness that love, unlike other things, cannot be earned. no matter what i do or do not do, regardless to the degree of which i am devoted, open minded, moral, attractive, spiritual or intelligent, it does not secure an outcome of love. it does not merit love as a reward, or another's committed heart. it does not guarantee a future or success or a clear path. love cannot be approached with any goal other than it.

having fresh memories of the unreliability of other people's word, the unreliability of sacrificing myself so that another may succeed, the ease of which i deny myself, i felt that all i had done, demonstrated and gave up would yield me what i desire most. alas. pushing fresh up against this idea i created, operated from, causes pain. if the truth hurts, it is because the lies were so easy to believe.

peeling. pleading. pain. progress. persevere.

http://www.writespirit.net/spirituality/spiritual_masters/a_liberated_soul_vs__a_god-realised_master

A Liberated Soul vs. A God-Realised Master

The following excerpt was taken from "The Summits of God-Life: Samadhi and Siddhi" by Sri Chinmoy.

The world has seen thousands and thousands of liberated souls, but not all liberated souls work in the world of ignorance. Many are afraid that ignorance will threaten them and try to devour them. One who is just liberated has come out of the room which is full of darkness, but this does not necessarily mean he is truly qualified to be a spiritual guide. To be a spiritual guide in the highest sense of the term, one must be commissioned by the Supreme. One may have spiritual knowledge, spiritual power and so forth, but if he is not authorised by the Highest to guide humanity, he cannot be a real spiritual Master.

day 11: psychic union pose

i surrender all difficulty & confusion. i simply desire to Be.

day 10: Baddha Padmasana

inward saturday: a quiet mood in a small, clean, comfortable space.
wore a black gown and laid on the persian rug petting a silky black cat.
hands in dirt planting & nibbling herbs in the garden.
easy asana time sinking deep into the mantra, feeling
the word currents electrify my cells.

http://susannassketchbook.typepad.com/susannas_sketchbook/page/11/

day 9: bound lotus

it was the very last thing i did on this day, to the minute. the start of the day was waking from odd dreams followed by the most unpleasant experience i have had in months. the energy from said event loomed cloudy hours after. despite this, the signs are pointing to a new life emerging and plenty of joy.

food is a steady focus playing with veggies & fruits and naming the curious liquids when they emerge from the Vitamix 3600 tap. nurtured in nature. gratitude felt is needing more expression. moving from "alone" to "on my own", gaining confidence in action. the asana was soothe & silence a long time afterward. time & space were altered: a sense of floating out then anchoring back into my body, fully. these days love seems sometimes small, sometimes simple, sometimes spontaneous, sometimes sleeping, sometimes slippery, sometimes soft.

Vitamix 3600 cooking demo:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYiEE01PgyM

day 8: psychic union pose

woke up under warm green blankets after a full 8 hours. the day was filled with ambient light, tree limbs, supergreen smoothies, opened books across desk & deep discussions.

noticed the moon has been showing herself in daylight, now nearly round. the patio has new life, rejuvenated with fresh soil, planters and herbs to be planted. hanging in my room, rosemary bundled with burlap strip effuses it's pungent breath. the kriya was ease as organs piled into cradle of legs, spine slowly stretched oozing face onto floor, inhales slow, long. i smiled when i heard "jaap so ajapaa jaapai" (until you are meditating without meditating). awareness rising of the purity of my motivations, that the spark of action must originate from the pureness of itself.

http://books.google.com/books?id=RtHs_LNH3d0C&pg=PT68&lpg=PT68&dq=first+house+north+node&source=bl&ots=YludulumvD&sig=gT6b0u-R163rYGz237p15y8TATs&hl=en&ei=NjPmTLXFFMX_lgeQwcTLCQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=5&ved=0CDEQ6AEwBDgK#v=onepage&q=first%20house%20north%20node&f=false

day 7: Baddha Padmasana

today the pose was like not doing a pose at all; the specialness of it
shifted into an ordinariness. but this new perception did not dilute
it's effect or power. the day was spent with a friend enjoying superfood
smoothie made in my vintage Vitamix (which was named Tropical Ecstasy,
including mangosteen & coconut!) and a jaunt out to the country
doing farm work in Waller.

i found feathers from turkey & cornish hen, jabbing them in the half of my hair tied back. i loved spending time with the goats, the dogs, the cats, the fowl & Ma Nature. i cleared a plot of land with the tractor & weeded & milked a goat & was blessed with a fresh clear moon above my head and a container of the most exquisite goat feta at the end of the night. i came home right on time for dinner made with Jeff's superb pesto and enjoying time with my host mother. an easy & beautiful day, energized & strengthened by everything i came into contact with. grateful for the entire day ♥

http://blueherontexas.com/

day 6: bound lotus

empty stomach and memories all morning, longing for ease & togetherness. feeling caught in a place between Earth & elsewhere. the wind chimes sounded a song around my heart with sun and moon in the afternoon. a special message was given at the end of the pose: "today, you will write a beautiful poem. you will meet with the earth. you will feel loved again".

http://www.ehow.com/how_5020873_feel-love-again.html

day 5: psychic union pose

interrupted, twice. re-did kriya for the third time late night. mental chatter rising yet also present with the body, feeling the bind of limbs and deliberate breath imbibing the melody of the mantra. superfood smoothie in 3 glass jars delivered to my doorstep (thank you Jeffji!). there was a push of activity on a writing project. i went to the library and gathered the research book & inspiration material, soaking in words. one book i took, on a whim: The 100 Best Love Poems of All Time. the one that made me shiver with delight:

XVII (I do not love you...)
Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.


Translated by Stephen Tapscott

day 4: Baddha Padmasana

i had a dream where i was getting a tattoo on my left forearm/upper inner arm. it was the background & border of a holy art work - the light blue of the sky, lotuses, a golden ornate border. the deity & other details were to be added. i was so excited for it to be filled in, as i was looking down at my arm imagining what was to come. when i awoke, i distinctly knew that the dream was relating to my life, my practice, my future self. i was aware of the importance that my left arm was the arm with the tattoo.

today i did the pose with a friend; there was something added to the practice by having another share this with me. i felt so secure, so supported while doing bound lotus today. safe. held. i didn't want to come out of it. i felt as if i was pouring upon the floor, melted. i felt as in i was in a womb again, limbs twisted up with no room to move but completely at peace and feeling surrounded by only goodness, darkness, silence.

i pulled an angel card from Kimberly Marooney's deck and received Ongkanon (i laughed, because it sounds so much mike my name). it was relevant, as always. a process already happening, and perfecting itself: exploring feelings, going to the heart of resentments, being clear about the recent past and deciding what it is i want in the aftermath of my life leveled to ground zero and building back up again.

http://books.google.com/books?id=QVXrV8C2NToC&pg=PA141&lpg=PA141&dq=Ongkanon&source=bl&ots=IpPLVhEbY9&sig=THiZcPrVG-KTpk_M0ZcEgFDYNe4&hl=en&ei=um3gTIS7GoSClAe3qa2mAw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=10&ved=0CFEQ6AEwCQ#v=onepage&q=Ongkanon&f=false

day 3: bound lotus

i braided my limbs in the steam room, eucalyptus heavy in the air with no mantra. the chanting carries so much of the ease of this practice. i am still learning the words.

http://www.lyricsvip.com/Snatam-Kaur/Ray-Man-Shabad-Lyrics.html

day 2: psychic union pose

i felt the energy building, from the physical body outward.
i found deep comfort in the moment, completely locked into myself.
the mantra carried me easily to the end. unthreading my limbs,
i could feel how expanded i was. it feels as if i'm building a house,
rooting the structure of the foundation and building up from that place.
each second reveals a healing potential, an unlocking of mystery,
a movement towards fulfillment.

http://boundlotus.com/boundlotuskriya.html

day 1: Baddha Padmasana.

i ended my practice at 11:11am on 11/11!

http://www.spiritvoyage.com/blog/index.php/bound-lotus-global-sadhana-begins/?awesm=fbshare.me_AWliz