day 15: bound lotus

i awoke from a dream: a relationship in the balance was awaiting a decision. there were no words and no visuals - all the communication & actions were sensed; i was able to translate the energy language. i felt what he chose. i was angry. i was throwing things, things were breaking. i saw a peephole future of the other person, a flash of possible consequences down the line. i would have, and did, sacrifice my own happiness to have that future avoided. in the wake of the shift, i was not jealous. i knew the problems would replicate; changing the pieces on the board would not change the level of the player, would not change the core of the problems experienced. and in that, i gained peace knowing i was free and not missing anything. there was a sense of "i am bigger than this, so much more is meant for me to have". i opened my eyes and knew immediately this was not a dream but something that happened in a place where people talk without bodies. and that all that i saw & sensed was true. i nearly gave into a wistful mood but the push for Thanksgiving food making/coordinating and dressing up gave me a purpose, and in having purpose i was contained in a feeling of contentment.

it was the biggest Thanksgiving i ever attended, and all such delightful company. the food was beautiful - Jeff had made mashed potatoes with sour cream, butter, and other mystery goodness, stuffing with sweet potatoes, red quinoa, rosemary & sage from the garden, celery root puree (divne!), goat milk rice pudding with fresh vanilla bean and a caramel sauce to pair with it AND a raw strawberry cheesecake! the place settings were exquisite, decorated with red tea roses & sunflowers and porcelain plates with blue & white designs. the conversation was easy and there was an overall feeling of knowing everyone, even though this mix of people did not gather together often (and in some cases, ever!) or in this particular combination. the cold front came upon, finally feeling like November.

i went to Fitzgerald's and realized if i did not do my kriya practice at some point in the venue i would lose my momentum of daily sadhana. i found a little nook that was perfect - dark, away from foot traffic, out of the cold & elevated off the floor. i scooted into this little area, took my heels off & did the pose before I Am Mesmer went on. i had a mantra on my phone to drown out the noise from boozy conversations. i felt i was able to go within easily despite the noise & agitation; i was able to stay centered. i felt i accomplished something by being able to directly meditate and feel my own space with so much stimulation all around. i was blessed to have come out of meditation just as my favorite band in Houston took the stage. Luna pulled me up front & we danced, danced, danced! i danced the dance of the music, hair tossing hip swiveling beats and my sequined pumpkin colored sweater glinting orange light in all directions. Sunshine & Paola were behind, loving the music they never heard before, enjoying the enthusiasm in the room & the ridiculously talented musicians!

upstairs listening to Tyagaraja i danced with softness, wrist to wrist, fingertips, spines against one another. i danced with the intention to bloom: my true self now, my true self now. i have nothing but love, i have nothing but love. my cells steeped with the repetition, the motion of the body inscribed those words in my cells, the thoughts said again & again to myself to penetrate the nucleus of each and burst forth that spark of creation, living the words in my field of experience where i can touch them. where they can touch me.

the mantra today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_LKdAGphsE%EF%BB%BF