today has been a continuous stream of awake. a feeling underneath of all limitations surfacing to be annihilated, a pressure to be free on every level. growing in grace & following dreams.
this morning i was invited to a process painting session. i was compelled to do this despite no sleep. the need was great to express, to burn away the last bits left, to assist the part of me that wants to be delivered to its next phase of evolution.
purple was first. as i spread the paint with my left hand, i remembered: a silk sari, gorgeous meditative purple, hand embroidered with undyed thread at the hem & the part that goes over the shoulder. the most beautiful clothing i own. "he bought me that sari. it is this same color. i thought this gift meant we would last for such a long time." the tears fell with no sounds dropping onto the palette.
and far away i heard a voice that said: "it doesn't mean anything".
the silk sari: it doesn't mean anything. when we're friends, when we're not speaking: it's meaningless. when there are tears and awkward pauses: it has no meaning. it felt harsh, but i understood the message. attaching the thought to the object was creating pain, inventing meaning where it does not exist.
i let the black drown all, laid on thick, to blot out this purple memory. it never truly disappeared but blended together like twilight to dusk, the hint of it always there shining through. i was lost in the motions, my arm circling wide with black palm over & again. when i get lost i see where i am more clearly because i am paying attention, looking for the way home.
i painted with my hands & knees, painted with breasts, belly & feet. a green pea seed came into my inner vision. a seed that pushed out a sliver of a sprout. its destiny is to grow, to vine & reach many places. i mixed a vital red, so fresh on my hands, building support, sustaining life. piece by piece the vision emerged: a portal of nurturing, grounding love, rooting the heart.
in order for new life to begin, the old life must be sent away
after painting the entire day, i was moved to attend an engagement party halfway between Houston & Galveston. paint still all over my feet & knees & still no sleep, i attended with a friend, where we only really knew the groom-to-be's mother. the bride & groom live in Israel & came to the states to join the two families in celebration. the couple -to-be is youthful, fresh & orthodox Jews despite their both being raised not as such.
it was so lovely to see the people in my friend's life, the ones i have never met who populate the stories she has told. something in me loved seeing the families meeting, the blending of energies, the bright smiles, the occasion for joy, the sugar free cheesecake, the beautiful home overlooking Clear Lake.
and as i met the family who hosted the party, i remarked on their coordinated knit plum sweaters. "oh, yes, we wore this because the bride's favorite color is purple."
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