day 15: bound lotus

i awoke from a dream: a relationship in the balance was awaiting a decision. there were no words and no visuals - all the communication & actions were sensed; i was able to translate the energy language. i felt what he chose. i was angry. i was throwing things, things were breaking. i saw a peephole future of the other person, a flash of possible consequences down the line. i would have, and did, sacrifice my own happiness to have that future avoided. in the wake of the shift, i was not jealous. i knew the problems would replicate; changing the pieces on the board would not change the level of the player, would not change the core of the problems experienced. and in that, i gained peace knowing i was free and not missing anything. there was a sense of "i am bigger than this, so much more is meant for me to have". i opened my eyes and knew immediately this was not a dream but something that happened in a place where people talk without bodies. and that all that i saw & sensed was true. i nearly gave into a wistful mood but the push for Thanksgiving food making/coordinating and dressing up gave me a purpose, and in having purpose i was contained in a feeling of contentment.

it was the biggest Thanksgiving i ever attended, and all such delightful company. the food was beautiful - Jeff had made mashed potatoes with sour cream, butter, and other mystery goodness, stuffing with sweet potatoes, red quinoa, rosemary & sage from the garden, celery root puree (divne!), goat milk rice pudding with fresh vanilla bean and a caramel sauce to pair with it AND a raw strawberry cheesecake! the place settings were exquisite, decorated with red tea roses & sunflowers and porcelain plates with blue & white designs. the conversation was easy and there was an overall feeling of knowing everyone, even though this mix of people did not gather together often (and in some cases, ever!) or in this particular combination. the cold front came upon, finally feeling like November.

i went to Fitzgerald's and realized if i did not do my kriya practice at some point in the venue i would lose my momentum of daily sadhana. i found a little nook that was perfect - dark, away from foot traffic, out of the cold & elevated off the floor. i scooted into this little area, took my heels off & did the pose before I Am Mesmer went on. i had a mantra on my phone to drown out the noise from boozy conversations. i felt i was able to go within easily despite the noise & agitation; i was able to stay centered. i felt i accomplished something by being able to directly meditate and feel my own space with so much stimulation all around. i was blessed to have come out of meditation just as my favorite band in Houston took the stage. Luna pulled me up front & we danced, danced, danced! i danced the dance of the music, hair tossing hip swiveling beats and my sequined pumpkin colored sweater glinting orange light in all directions. Sunshine & Paola were behind, loving the music they never heard before, enjoying the enthusiasm in the room & the ridiculously talented musicians!

upstairs listening to Tyagaraja i danced with softness, wrist to wrist, fingertips, spines against one another. i danced with the intention to bloom: my true self now, my true self now. i have nothing but love, i have nothing but love. my cells steeped with the repetition, the motion of the body inscribed those words in my cells, the thoughts said again & again to myself to penetrate the nucleus of each and burst forth that spark of creation, living the words in my field of experience where i can touch them. where they can touch me.

the mantra today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_LKdAGphsE%EF%BB%BF

day 14: psychic union pose

a long day with many transitions - from cramped
indoors listening to christmas songs while knitting to cozy at home
naked to raw vegan potluck we missed and saw people we haven't seen in
so long to meeting happy couchsurfing travelers passing through so full
of enthusiasm to all night kitchen projects and initiating the energy of
a new venture on the day of gratitude! a mouthful, a heaping plenty,
a good day to start, to be happy, to be grateful. the Sagittarius season
of celebration & togetherness is ultimate.

Why Gartitude is Good:
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_gratitude_is_good/

day13: Baddha Padmasana

barefoot walking the path into myself, remaining open (against the tendency to close off) contained in a connection with no expectations. finding, and holding, center. i am that strength within, paying close attention. the pose today was gratitude & grace. sung parts of the mantra i knew, energy accelerated, current charged the core, traversed the spine, spread outward. the garden watered itself.

The Truth by Handsome Boy Modeling School:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL7tz03v8wc

day 12: bound lotus

began the day with this pose. worked a whole day inside, a 10-6 shift. shocked the sun had slipped under the horizon when i went outside, my skin so used to the rhythm of the light. wondering how something as unnatural as working indoors for hours became standard, became accepted.

in the darkness of the evening under the full of the moon, a part of me was hurting. instincts wanted to cut away this part, to not feel what it wanted to express as intense pain in the center of my chest. a deep desire to cease struggling against myself, my own nature. the truth of who i am. the bursting out to a new level. desire for true liberation. the process which follows this intent.

in awareness that love, unlike other things, cannot be earned. no matter what i do or do not do, regardless to the degree of which i am devoted, open minded, moral, attractive, spiritual or intelligent, it does not secure an outcome of love. it does not merit love as a reward, or another's committed heart. it does not guarantee a future or success or a clear path. love cannot be approached with any goal other than it.

having fresh memories of the unreliability of other people's word, the unreliability of sacrificing myself so that another may succeed, the ease of which i deny myself, i felt that all i had done, demonstrated and gave up would yield me what i desire most. alas. pushing fresh up against this idea i created, operated from, causes pain. if the truth hurts, it is because the lies were so easy to believe.

peeling. pleading. pain. progress. persevere.

http://www.writespirit.net/spirituality/spiritual_masters/a_liberated_soul_vs__a_god-realised_master

A Liberated Soul vs. A God-Realised Master

The following excerpt was taken from "The Summits of God-Life: Samadhi and Siddhi" by Sri Chinmoy.

The world has seen thousands and thousands of liberated souls, but not all liberated souls work in the world of ignorance. Many are afraid that ignorance will threaten them and try to devour them. One who is just liberated has come out of the room which is full of darkness, but this does not necessarily mean he is truly qualified to be a spiritual guide. To be a spiritual guide in the highest sense of the term, one must be commissioned by the Supreme. One may have spiritual knowledge, spiritual power and so forth, but if he is not authorised by the Highest to guide humanity, he cannot be a real spiritual Master.

day 11: psychic union pose

i surrender all difficulty & confusion. i simply desire to Be.

day 10: Baddha Padmasana

inward saturday: a quiet mood in a small, clean, comfortable space.
wore a black gown and laid on the persian rug petting a silky black cat.
hands in dirt planting & nibbling herbs in the garden.
easy asana time sinking deep into the mantra, feeling
the word currents electrify my cells.

http://susannassketchbook.typepad.com/susannas_sketchbook/page/11/

day 9: bound lotus

it was the very last thing i did on this day, to the minute. the start of the day was waking from odd dreams followed by the most unpleasant experience i have had in months. the energy from said event loomed cloudy hours after. despite this, the signs are pointing to a new life emerging and plenty of joy.

food is a steady focus playing with veggies & fruits and naming the curious liquids when they emerge from the Vitamix 3600 tap. nurtured in nature. gratitude felt is needing more expression. moving from "alone" to "on my own", gaining confidence in action. the asana was soothe & silence a long time afterward. time & space were altered: a sense of floating out then anchoring back into my body, fully. these days love seems sometimes small, sometimes simple, sometimes spontaneous, sometimes sleeping, sometimes slippery, sometimes soft.

Vitamix 3600 cooking demo:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYiEE01PgyM