day 38: psychic union pose

i heard a story on the radio of a girl who has a disorder characterized by unconditional trust, hearing about her approaching strangers as loved ones, getting into an unknown car, holding hands with anyone. i wondered what life could be like so open. i recalled times of diving in blind trust; even if the results were mixed, it still felt good to be open, willing. discernment is certainly a skill we never truly learn until we make mistakes. and even then.

Ma Daivi's birthday was a crowded house, high quality food, live piano & singing tunes together, dancing, surrounded by the upbeat energy of being with one another to celebrate, again. i slept somewhere else for the night, covered in handmade quilts. sleep was short & filled with visions of desires, sorrow for the wants that will never fruit and remembering underneath: "i want to be Free, Free, Free; Ananda, Ananda, Ananda"

i feel like my understanding of reality is evaporating. not that what i knew was wrong, but it did not contain the whole truth. to fit in the broader view, space is being made. the space feels like loss at times, a stretched nothingness. the waves of this experience crest & fall from feeling heavier than tired & wanting to withdraw to feeling lighthearted & enjoying simple things.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=126224885

day 35: psychic union pose

today was a day going backwards. this body is fresh but holds the past so closely, closer than what is happening now. i realize reality is nothing but a field of old cycles playing out in forms of fresh faces & places, but underneath is a current of familiar, a variation on a theme. the only way out is up.

the first in a series of clearing sessions on the warmest December day. an energetic bath penetrating all directions of time. allowing the impressions & energy to rise, pass. sometimes pain, sometimes tears, sometimes nothing. memories from other lives lifting into my awareness, shocking revelations & insight as to why things are as they be today.

after hours, i felt light, energized. spaces were opened, cleared. happily ate & went over the session with a friend who has been through the same. ran a bath of baking soda & sea salt. i fell asleep in the overwarm water, limbs folded & twisted womb style as the small candles flickered at the corners of the tub.i felt dizzy, dragged myself to the meditation room & fell asleep again surrounded by angels, plants, rocks. the sensation of cooking off old modes of unforgiveness & resentment, traumas & misperceptions. a tumultuous sleep living though the releases, grateful they are moving from their hiding places, evaporating at the speed of my willingness.

day 32: psychic union pose

"forget about being ordinary"

it was so comforting to hear this today, told directly from an enlightened master. i have been craving comfort, clutching for familiar, wanting to take a break from needlessly suffering & and entire year of being unsettled. this was relief, proof that i am not just avoiding reality, messing around, being unresponsible. it was something sure i could hold to, an absolute. in this same conversation i was gifted an enormous opportunity to clear out & move forward in all ways; in one fell swoop my prayers for help were met with the most generous giving. i am so grateful.

sunday is dance day: moving with the morning, joints & muscles & bones interacting, expressing. i enjoyed the silence that dancing creates, an inetnse prescense. the Sagittarians of the community were put in the center of the closing circle & sung a collective birthday song; there are so many of us!

we gathered a caravan & traveled to see the Buddhist relics; i was close to them but did not see them. it is such an honor that these holy objects found their way to the little Vietnamese temple north of Houston. it was important today to be in proximity to high vibration, and despite having been in the parking lot talking to an enlightened master, i could still feel the significance being in the field of the relics.

we then then traveled to the St. Francis Wolf Preserve. the afternoon was simply gorgeous riding through the Texas country drinking warm tulsi bengal spice tea. the wolves were big, piercing eyes & in thick winter coats. they were just fed when we arrived & began howling sporadically. i didn't know we would be able to interact with them until we were seated & a wolf was brought out on a leash with a handler, a sleek white wolf that they called the Grace Kelly of the pack. the cool late afternoon continued into a colder evening. the dusk was majestic as we made our way past wooden fences & rolling acres of ranches.

thank you all for a magical day.

day 26: psychic union pose

an inside day. the door shut. needing to fill with my own energy.

tiredness & wakefulness in waves.

meditation is a safe place: healing, lingering.

a desire for more time alone this way.

music threading through & uplifting.

it is a day when words have no meaning, but can be felt.

day 20: psychic union pose

today was a day of giving. hours spent in holding space, listening & spontaneously channeling for someone. the flow of energy merging with my field - i forgot how good it feels to raise in pure space transmitting special messages & touch transmissions. she cried & imbibed all that was given, penned down the words leaving my lips while my mind, so present moment, hardly had any memory to hold all that came. i shared as i felt it, saw it, translated to words the communications. there was a grounded, peaceful air about the room when the connection ceased, a strong silence punctuated with the tick tock of the clock as we breathed.

arrived home to hours long conversation on the phone. it was an assessment of the year: reviewing, understanding, clarifying, putting each piece in its place, perceiving where everything stands. no promises or decisions made, but a survey of the interior. how to proceed knowing moment to moment things change? but, it felt good to share despite craving resolution.

the kriya today was uncomfortable; the left leg on top half lotus pain was dull but consistent. i sent breath & effort to release tension in many different areas of my body (shoulders, arms, thighs). i felt myself charging up shivering from electric jolts. i asked to burn burn burn karma, so that this next part of my life can be smoother, that i can face people clearly without wanting to cling or question my motives. purity of connection, purity of words, to sustain the inner peace that has been laid out within from the work of recent days.

George Winston's solo piano album Autumn filling the room. 36 degrees and bare legs, zipped up fleece & pink pashmina. i stay up late sometimes just because. there is a sweetbitter stillness like dark chocolate in these late hours. i feel alert somehow, aware of a tone that seems to feed me as i try to fill my wakefulness with some meaning. but sometimes it's just enough to bear witness to the night that no one knows, here in my small room with the garden outside the windows. the flowers & herbs maintain their beauty & bounty in this cold, gently tough through the ups & downs of weather. just like me, i think to myself. just like me.

day 19: Baddha Padmasana

a day of silence, a night of music; insulated with meditation, ease & challenges in succession.

the pose difficult today with left leg up in half lotus was pain, stiffness, discomfort. this leg switch was necessary despite old school yoga holding to right leg on top, always. effort to relax and refocus, these tensions stored in tissues slowly squeezed from their hiding places. breath staccato skipping seconds as if scooping deep, shoveling stagnant debris and sputtering on the density of it. afterward, laid down and fell asleep. was awakened hearing my own name called, and, sitting up, realized the sound was from inside.

last day of temp job was as fast as 8 hours could be, dancing to music in my black ruched salsa dress and pink pashmina, green smoothies & good chats with customers, this day the highest selling day. connected to deep silence unexpectedly at different intervals, feeling the silence begin to penetrate and expand in my field, dropping into that state quickly and emerging steadily out of it; a sensation of building a pathway from ordinary consciousness to a profound place. not the ideal location to lapse into these states, jolting myself out of it a few times thinking someone may have entered the store. overall, a process i am happy is happening.

so close yet so much still to go. continuing to detach, to unclutch with one hand, allow on the other. and each action looks the same. on another level, i see even the most well meaning of people can choose darkness, and it's my choice as to how close in proximity i shall allow myself to be to it. letting the energy cook out each layer and rise, reminding myself constantly what it is i am choosing for myself, who it is that i am. i am not swayed as i used to be swayed, i do not want what i used to want; these both are blessed upgrades.

day 17: psychic union pose

i awoke feeling fresh. i received the message that this would be a day of miracles. an unexpected offer led me to a rare opportunity; one word was spoken that compelled me to say yes to it: Integration. this word, this action, was what i had been needing most of all.

from the start of the year, i had surrendered a relationship that was more than 5 years long, the place i had been living in all that time, the job, the city, the friends, the orchestra i played with; everything my life contained i drained so that i could heed the call to serve Divine Purpose. spent months challenged, clearing patterns, cocooned, blessed, building awareness, passing the tests, surrendering, swimming in the ocean. and after all of this another twist of timing to land me back in Houston within one week of making the decision. as i transitioned i was struck with a reality that was more dense, less sensitive & faced with all i had left behind.

in this month of my return, i felt strong: things were forming, coordinating, coming together. and then, i made choices that damaged the inner state i achieved. i felt like i had fallen from a great height & been beaten, in so much pain i began this meditation practice to re-energize my luminous body. the tumult of this entire year has shaken me to the core; when i heard the word Integration, i felt my entire lifeforce pull in that direction, wanting desperately to solidify all that has become of myself in 2010.

i was gifted to be in the presence of a living enlightened master today. a woman from the south with monk short hair sat and spoke directly, simply. her words echoed the teachings i am filled with, the names of non-physical beings i trust, the thoughts & spontaneous realizations i have been having and resolving questions i have been wanting the answers to. i feel like a crumb of the conundrum of how to move forward was dropped in my lap. escalating elation knowing any second it can happen, i can activate that latent Me, experience that whole, fulfilled being that I Am in the physical body. i am so close i can taste the sweetness of it on my tongue.

psychic union pose was done during dinner break with 3 others. all our crowns faced each other in a circle. i sang the mantra aloud for the first time. my body was shaking with energy. meditating together increased the power of the practice. i felt ease & escalation of energy, a wonderful enhancement to the overall tone of the evening.

i was given the message to gift Guru Grace Love with my necklace. it is my favorite necklace of a butterfly wing housed in glass & sterling silver. the colors are unlike any colors i have ever seen in a butterfly: iridescent orange, gold, magenta & blue. i was reluctant - my mind said "but it's my favorite necklace! isn't there something else in my bag i can give her?". and i understood that part of me that wanted to hold on was holding me back, in every way. i felt the fear of parting with something i so dearly wanted to keep. i told myself i could buy another one. but i understood that this was a test: would i hold on to something after understanding it keeps me away from exactly that which i am wanting? would i willingly give up a symbol of transformation (butterfly) to be the living embodiment?

i approached her and i thanked her for reminding me that it was easy. i told her that i was called to give her this necklace, which was a favorite of mine. she held the necklace between her hands as i put my palms together to regard her with closed eyes. i then felt her put the necklace back on me. she said she could enjoy it more when she saw it on me, that giving away what you want will allow you to have it. i had seen this event happen in my mind's eye. i dismissed it as wishful thinking and when she gave it back from her blessed hands i abounded with happiness! when i let go, it returned, even more vibrant & beautiful then when i gave it away.

gratitude reverberating in my consciousness. the words thank you, i love you repeating themselves as the faces of all those who ever touched my life pass behind my eyes. i love you & thank you all.