i am suddenly surrounded by men.

the oracle says the current mode is:
healing the masculine, inner/outer relationships.
i feel ready for this.

my hips been aching to the bone. a man spontaneously offers
to work out that area thai massage/mayo-fascia style,
limb joint pressure pushing one angle into another
an elbow or knee using gravity to bear down

tender!

tight!

ticklish!

emotions releasing from deep embedded nest of tissues:
laughter... sex... sensitive...
escaping from my mouth as sounds,
from my mind as memories.
relieved but still sore.

went to a tiny temple in a strip mall in India town dedicated to Dattatreya. it housed the deities of the Hindu tradition and portraits of an incarnation of Dattatreya and of Sai Baba. the statues were lively awake, speaking loudly & so jovial! they stood at the ready to help how they could. i sat & spent time with them all, buzzing from the contact. i made requests for the year, especially in relation to the current theme of healing the masculine within/without. i felt the prayer received, each with their own contributory gift towards my asking, comforted by the sturdy male energy of the room, the giving fathers.

at dance i remembered my former lover. cried. overwhelming gratitude for the things we shared over the years, especially Hawai'i. our 6 year anniversary approaching and i still love him exactly as i did before our parting. the love has not changed. i am grateful for it; it hurts sweet like sugar on teeth.

later, a thought of my biological father rises. tears.

i never had time with him

he was always too busy

he was always away

and i waited

and wanted...

i imagine he died. he is dead and he comes to tell me as a ghost that he has passed away. we only have 2 minutes to tell each other everything we have never said in all the time gaps as our lives ran parallel, not quite touching ever.

a rush of feelings.

i cry.

he cries.

what is left between us?

Love was there.

has always been.

threaded through belt welts on my legs & long distances & never phone calls. a love that hurts because it was never given space to express. stunted. but it never stopped. unconditional.

he left me a gift and faded away. i am there alone again with the bag he handed me. he used to do this, buy me things i didn't want, buy things to replace time together. but he leaves me this gift & i accept it. it is a gift to propel me into life, an opportunity to be free, to just Be. i accept it. i am grateful we had our moment. i sit on a step and close my eyes and feel the space within me somehow different.

\\PATTERN BREAKING//

i release myself from the pain to go into the love.

to heal with love everything that was ever wrong in the primary male relationship:

(abuse, distance, longing, unworthiness, unimportance, objects replacing love).

i wash it away in the truth of the love that is real,

to dive deeply & love the monsters we made of our pain,

to dig in where it lives and give it love, beyond all costs

beyond fear of it unreciprocated or leaving me empty. bold fearless

Loving.