the pregnant oracle

i paint with words, more beautiful
than what i make with actual paint.
i vibrate the sounds within, wield
pictures with sounds, syllables

.............................................

holding the moment, eyes
roll back under lids, feeling
deeply into the silence.
Bliss sings my heart.

realize where i am
amongst the beauty,
reverberations of serenity
echoing from the corners
back through me and sent
out again, amplified as
the red glow of my dress
is vivacious against the
green of the plants in the
room that sit like an audience
for me; i feel their attention.

i sense the life under my skin,
warm energy brightening the
elements this body is composed
of. "i have life for you!" it says,
without words, with full feeling.

this womb that has wept, held
strong, built, been denied, longed,
danced; she sings for her equal,
wanting to merge, wanting ecstasy
of uniting. the remembrance of Eden
buried in the nucleus, extraordinary
energy, powerful & difficult.

your breath on my neck reminds me
of everything i want, awakening
rapture fire, activating chemistry
as ancient as alchemy, lighting up
my eyes, lining up my stars
on the edge of a new destiny, an
unexpected direction, a myriad of
choices.

choosing it

not choosing it

i am told i am limitless and everyday is
feeling the boundaries, finding them, breaking
them, choosing how to proceed,

blood that pulses whispering
promises of dreams forming to
be touched, tasted, cultivated
here is the body, now move with
this color, gently. easily create in
absolute trust as source comes
through, Namelessly.

flooding with hope, with confusion.
sleep. steep. Silence will answer.
every time, in every age. it always has.

but nothing is silent here on earth,
not even the forest at night or outer
space. all that lives, sounds.
then what is silence?

feed. love. create.

transforming the composition of me
to liquid light beaming from eyes, lips
that can light a century, a flame that
burns with no oil, its own source.

draw near. feel me. know me.

do you know who i am?

do i?

ceaseless consciousness. eternity
in form. a dream of the Universe
as i dream it during my days as a
Human.

You are the sum of creation,
You are the push into what is
yet to be formed,
the pregnant oracle.

you know

you flow

spiraling from the deep
mystery, wordless knowing.
following star maps of destiny
wavering on the bliss of eternity

know that whatever it is you want, it can be done.
You create the possibility & steward the vibration
to form. from the mulch of matter comes language
and life. wield the word with love and bless the world
with what you want, with what you give. this is how
you are God.

i am suddenly surrounded by men.

the oracle says the current mode is:
healing the masculine, inner/outer relationships.
i feel ready for this.

my hips been aching to the bone. a man spontaneously offers
to work out that area thai massage/mayo-fascia style,
limb joint pressure pushing one angle into another
an elbow or knee using gravity to bear down

tender!

tight!

ticklish!

emotions releasing from deep embedded nest of tissues:
laughter... sex... sensitive...
escaping from my mouth as sounds,
from my mind as memories.
relieved but still sore.

went to a tiny temple in a strip mall in India town dedicated to Dattatreya. it housed the deities of the Hindu tradition and portraits of an incarnation of Dattatreya and of Sai Baba. the statues were lively awake, speaking loudly & so jovial! they stood at the ready to help how they could. i sat & spent time with them all, buzzing from the contact. i made requests for the year, especially in relation to the current theme of healing the masculine within/without. i felt the prayer received, each with their own contributory gift towards my asking, comforted by the sturdy male energy of the room, the giving fathers.

at dance i remembered my former lover. cried. overwhelming gratitude for the things we shared over the years, especially Hawai'i. our 6 year anniversary approaching and i still love him exactly as i did before our parting. the love has not changed. i am grateful for it; it hurts sweet like sugar on teeth.

later, a thought of my biological father rises. tears.

i never had time with him

he was always too busy

he was always away

and i waited

and wanted...

i imagine he died. he is dead and he comes to tell me as a ghost that he has passed away. we only have 2 minutes to tell each other everything we have never said in all the time gaps as our lives ran parallel, not quite touching ever.

a rush of feelings.

i cry.

he cries.

what is left between us?

Love was there.

has always been.

threaded through belt welts on my legs & long distances & never phone calls. a love that hurts because it was never given space to express. stunted. but it never stopped. unconditional.

he left me a gift and faded away. i am there alone again with the bag he handed me. he used to do this, buy me things i didn't want, buy things to replace time together. but he leaves me this gift & i accept it. it is a gift to propel me into life, an opportunity to be free, to just Be. i accept it. i am grateful we had our moment. i sit on a step and close my eyes and feel the space within me somehow different.

\\PATTERN BREAKING//

i release myself from the pain to go into the love.

to heal with love everything that was ever wrong in the primary male relationship:

(abuse, distance, longing, unworthiness, unimportance, objects replacing love).

i wash it away in the truth of the love that is real,

to dive deeply & love the monsters we made of our pain,

to dig in where it lives and give it love, beyond all costs

beyond fear of it unreciprocated or leaving me empty. bold fearless

Loving.