i go where the blessings are. and the blessings come to where i am. they have been numerous.
it was her picture that drew me: her soft blond hair and no makeup skin. and her name (the name of the ocean, the name of someone whose eyes have the bright blue of my favorite place to swim on the planet). to imagine this woman could hold Kali energy in her body & wield blessings truly intrigued me. i felt an opportunity had arisen, that this night would hold for me a special gift.
a group of nearly 20 of us gathered. we sang a devotional song for a long while, several words sung repeatedly & increased tempo over time. i sung hard from my navel, from the pit where sound begins. i opened my throat and felt my voice bouncing off the walls, threading with the harmonium, the mridangam, clapping & the other voices of those sitting on the floor all around me. and when we finished singing, Kai Shanti was ready. she took off her orange shirt to reveal a red tee with a picture of Kali underneath. she picked up a hand held broom made of peacock feathers, began to chatter in rapid gibberish and yelping sounds like a giddy girl child.
the first person Kali went to was wafted with the feather cluster, striking their chest & back. there was a moaning, then, a slow crescendo of a scream! an ear piercing utterly incomprehensible octave. i sheepishly peeked to see the goings on, quickly closing my eyes again to focus on my inner state. when the release was complete, Ma Kali said: "Awww it's okay Ma, you're okay Ma, see? There you go, there you go" in that youthful pitch. i felt many of us pondered how our blessings would go, with such an unexpected start.
Ma Kali would randomly choose the next person. she would "hit" (as much as that word can describe being struck with soft stalks of feathers) her body & the body of the person she came to. the interactions with each were unique. either gurgling guttural retching, as if she was eating the darkness she coaxed from within the person she touched, throwing it back up. other times yelling, angry sounding. then soothing, laughing. or singing: "Go Home, Hari Om, Go Home, Hari Om - hee hee hee hee heeeeee!". one blessing involved jumping on someone's back & screaming with glee. and towards the end, a call for all of us to put our hands upon a woman to assist the healing, a great community leader who helps so many, our hands helped her as tears flowed down.
as soon as i felt the feathers whapping my chest the fear came. but she was very gentle. chanting "Allah Allah Allah Allah..." and her special message to me, said again & again: "You know this already Ma!" of course she knew to tell me this - because everyday i feel like i don't know, everyday i ask for clarity. i melted into her arms. total surrender. surrendered "i don't know". she only touched the right side of my body, only spoke in my right ear. she felt around the right side of my back and said "Oh! There it is!!! Let it go let it go let it go" as she buzzed in my ear "BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" sent shockwaves through my spine.
in the days following, as this new space within integrates & darkness clears, there is laughter leftover. i have been easily in ecstasy, rejoicing with little cause. the clouds have also come and the tears fall like rain, the pain short lived. expanding the sense of emptiness. breathing it. living it. cultivating fearlessness by facing each & every one of them i have. wrapping my arms around each fear until it melts. and each time this happens, i crack up!
