flowing red shedding with the moon. feeling soft, quiet, soft, boundless. all unacknowledged yearning surfacing to skin pushing through pores.
i learned what it was people expected, wanted, preferred so i could be that, deliver. like work, perform/pay. the understanding struck today that who i truly am is what people need. i fit, there is a place for me. when i am myself, where i belong naturally rises to meet me. emotions are not a commodity that can be gained & spent as easily as money, ruled by its own logic and laws.
at the end of the kriya, i remembered something told to me: you have been through turmoil, your soul is tired. when the words hit me, i cried. i felt a sense of overwhelming failure on all levels, utter & total loss of everything, fruitless sacrifices and scraping myself off of the bottom of existence. emotion tide, intense. and then, dissipated. moved from the emptiness of being poured out into serene laughter chatting with, literally, the most beautiful being on the planet.
dancing as i compose my birthday party playlist in the early a.m. 32 degrees outside & the smell of heat. i am deliciously hollow, feeling the blackness of the hour and the pulsing of stars. a great night to travel the solar system.
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