i go out walking

dearest,

i walk the neighborhood attempting to ascend a sturdy tree to write that letter to you i pledged i would. there are many here in Magnolia Grove, but most are unideal for climbing: either too thin or the branches begin very high or too exposed to passer by's. my shoes are all wrong for the task to boot & it seems i may have made a promise to you that i cannot keep. but i find a tree eventually, a few of blocks south of Floyd on Snover. she is thick with bulges & burls. i remove my coat, sweater, socks, hot pink canvas covered book between my teeth as i climb. thighs tight around irregular curvature, hands fiercely gripping incidental mounds. then suddenly,

told to get down by a woman that is just as rough & tough as the bark that chafes my palms, said with a sense of authority (for the tree stands in front of her house). and just on the cusp of perching in the perfect place that dips & bows like a seat. i follow the directive to come down to maintain the flow of connection i have with the air, the tree, the moment.

i settle at the root. probably the best place for me to be, sitting on actual earth, the breathing wet dirt beneath my bare feet. i plant myself & suck up nourishment from the ground that feeds so i can push uP to the places i want to reach; to touch the stars & drink the moonlight, to catch the dawn & reflect the warmth of the sun. i ask the tree what she wants to say:

"i am so happy you are here! would you believe no one has ever tried to climb me? truth be told, you may have injured yourself climbing down, but i would have helped you as much as i could. i will not forget you - thank you for touching me with your love and grace and curiosity..."

i turned around & hugged her.

the woman comes out again to ask me what i am doing, her chow in tow. her neighbors have been calling, telling her someone is doing something unusual near her tree. i reply: "oh, i'm making art". this answer somehow ameliorates the porcupine prickly feeling i am picking up from her. i gather my things & walk with her & the dog. talking about the neighborhood & the trees. she picks up a poop with a plastic bag & says: "hey look, i have some art right here for you". i laugh & say: "that's a good one!" despite the quill sting underneath the comment. she is so unbelievably unfriendly it's like caricature; i find delight in the ludicrousness of her attitude & resultant comments!

you are in another city on a bicycle, the pavement blurry from speed beneath tires. i see your eyes & the focus in your face, the simple joy in small tasks. it is that busyness of life that give us a sense of purpose & grounding; feeling the wind on skin, going to the post office, depositing checks. the exhilarating & the mundane, living side by side. they are for each other.

sun is strong slanted in the late afternoon, the last of its strength expended in these final hours of daylight. faint howling of dogs floating in a high place in the sky. the bird songs weave hypnotic lacing with melodies beyond human hearing, pulling the dusk closer as the temperature drops. i walk home slowly, knowing in just a few days, this will be my home no longer. i will carry my sense of home some other place, where i will make friends with a new land, find the comfort in the places i am drawn to. begin again.

loving,
*ankah*

shaktipat!

i go where the blessings are. and the blessings come to where i am. they have been numerous.

it was her picture that drew me: her soft blond hair and no makeup skin. and her name (the name of the ocean, the name of someone whose eyes have the bright blue of my favorite place to swim on the planet). to imagine this woman could hold Kali energy in her body & wield blessings truly intrigued me. i felt an opportunity had arisen, that this night would hold for me a special gift.

a group of nearly 20 of us gathered. we sang a devotional song for a long while, several words sung repeatedly & increased tempo over time. i sung hard from my navel, from the pit where sound begins. i opened my throat and felt my voice bouncing off the walls, threading with the harmonium, the mridangam, clapping & the other voices of those sitting on the floor all around me. and when we finished singing, Kai Shanti was ready. she took off her orange shirt to reveal a red tee with a picture of Kali underneath. she picked up a hand held broom made of peacock feathers, began to chatter in rapid gibberish and yelping sounds like a giddy girl child.

the first person Kali went to was wafted with the feather cluster, striking their chest & back. there was a moaning, then, a slow crescendo of a scream! an ear piercing utterly incomprehensible octave. i sheepishly peeked to see the goings on, quickly closing my eyes again to focus on my inner state. when the release was complete, Ma Kali said: "Awww it's okay Ma, you're okay Ma, see? There you go, there you go" in that youthful pitch. i felt many of us pondered how our blessings would go, with such an unexpected start.

Ma Kali would randomly choose the next person. she would "hit" (as much as that word can describe being struck with soft stalks of feathers) her body & the body of the person she came to. the interactions with each were unique. either gurgling guttural retching, as if she was eating the darkness she coaxed from within the person she touched, throwing it back up. other times yelling, angry sounding. then soothing, laughing. or singing: "Go Home, Hari Om, Go Home, Hari Om - hee hee hee hee heeeeee!". one blessing involved jumping on someone's back & screaming with glee. and towards the end, a call for all of us to put our hands upon a woman to assist the healing, a great community leader who helps so many, our hands helped her as tears flowed down.

as soon as i felt the feathers whapping my chest the fear came. but she was very gentle. chanting "Allah Allah Allah Allah..." and her special message to me, said again & again: "You know this already Ma!" of course she knew to tell me this - because everyday i feel like i don't know, everyday i ask for clarity. i melted into her arms. total surrender. surrendered "i don't know". she only touched the right side of my body, only spoke in my right ear. she felt around the right side of my back and said "Oh! There it is!!! Let it go let it go let it go" as she buzzed in my ear "BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" sent shockwaves through my spine.

in the days following, as this new space within integrates & darkness clears, there is laughter leftover. i have been easily in ecstasy, rejoicing with little cause. the clouds have also come and the tears fall like rain, the pain short lived. expanding the sense of emptiness. breathing it. living it. cultivating fearlessness by facing each & every one of them i have. wrapping my arms around each fear until it melts. and each time this happens, i crack up!

i am suddenly surrounded by men.

the oracle says the current mode is:
healing the masculine, inner/outer relationships.
i feel ready for this.

my hips been aching to the bone. a man spontaneously offers
to work out that area thai massage/mayo-fascia style,
limb joint pressure pushing one angle into another
an elbow or knee using gravity to bear down

tender!

tight!

ticklish!

emotions releasing from deep embedded nest of tissues:
laughter... sex... sensitive...
escaping from my mouth as sounds,
from my mind as memories.
relieved but still sore.

went to a tiny temple in a strip mall in India town dedicated to Dattatreya. it housed the deities of the Hindu tradition and portraits of an incarnation of Dattatreya and of Sai Baba. the statues were lively awake, speaking loudly & so jovial! they stood at the ready to help how they could. i sat & spent time with them all, buzzing from the contact. i made requests for the year, especially in relation to the current theme of healing the masculine within/without. i felt the prayer received, each with their own contributory gift towards my asking, comforted by the sturdy male energy of the room, the giving fathers.

at dance i remembered my former lover. cried. overwhelming gratitude for the things we shared over the years, especially Hawai'i. our 6 year anniversary approaching and i still love him exactly as i did before our parting. the love has not changed. i am grateful for it; it hurts sweet like sugar on teeth.

later, a thought of my biological father rises. tears.

i never had time with him

he was always too busy

he was always away

and i waited

and wanted...

i imagine he died. he is dead and he comes to tell me as a ghost that he has passed away. we only have 2 minutes to tell each other everything we have never said in all the time gaps as our lives ran parallel, not quite touching ever.

a rush of feelings.

i cry.

he cries.

what is left between us?

Love was there.

has always been.

threaded through belt welts on my legs & long distances & never phone calls. a love that hurts because it was never given space to express. stunted. but it never stopped. unconditional.

he left me a gift and faded away. i am there alone again with the bag he handed me. he used to do this, buy me things i didn't want, buy things to replace time together. but he leaves me this gift & i accept it. it is a gift to propel me into life, an opportunity to be free, to just Be. i accept it. i am grateful we had our moment. i sit on a step and close my eyes and feel the space within me somehow different.

\\PATTERN BREAKING//

i release myself from the pain to go into the love.

to heal with love everything that was ever wrong in the primary male relationship:

(abuse, distance, longing, unworthiness, unimportance, objects replacing love).

i wash it away in the truth of the love that is real,

to dive deeply & love the monsters we made of our pain,

to dig in where it lives and give it love, beyond all costs

beyond fear of it unreciprocated or leaving me empty. bold fearless

Loving.

Amen, Aim In

naturally,

i'm moved to remain inward on this beautiful day. coming back to myself from days of frantic socializing, being out in the world, casting out nets for new directions & opportunities. a day to stop, to eat root vegetables.

the stars are within tonight - i feel everything.

the cao chin experience

one of the most unique Houston-only adventures to be had is to make a visit to Cao Chin.

a noted psychic Buddhist monk, Uncle Chin works out of a strip mall in Chinatown. every morning people line up to reserve a spot on his list. coming 6am could mean you will be seen anywhere from 8am, noon or later depending on how many people turn out. his services are conducted on a donation basis; people typically bring gifts of food, flowers and money. the session can be any length of time. on this day, people seemed to be with him for an average of 10 minutes.

my first visit was nearly 6 years ago, one of the very first things i did while getting to know Houston. the memory of the session was vague. i recall him flossing in between throwing out playing cards on the table between us on the floor & that everything he told me about myself didn't happen, but what he told me about my parents did.

late last night a friend casually asked if i wanted to see him the following morning. i agreed to go without agenda or any questions i wanted answered. the only sacrifice was to lay down early in order to wake up in the morning before sun up. i took it as a challenge, to fall & rise with the fire element.

waking 5 in the morning is like a holiday - an infrequent event, and thus, filled with freshness. the energy was palpable. the feeling was an overwhelming specialness - just to be alive, to be with eyes open before the sun wakes up the earth with warm pouring upon everything.

we stopped by Cao Chin's to get our number in line & left to breakfast at the nearest spot. i loved seeing the morning flow of life - people concerned about coffee & watching news streams from the tv screens, gathered around tables inside & outside drinking chilled beverages with big straws, smoking, talking, smiling. all in languages other than english. and i love eating food that i have no idea what it is, especially when i have to use a knife to access it. i asked twice if it had any meat in it, and was thrilled to unwrap whatever was underneath the dried palm leaf, no matter how bland.

Uncle Chin's reception area is a cramped space with chairs set at even intervals for sitting, waiting. shelves of books & an altar of Kuan Yin's, Lakshmi's, Dalai Llama's & Buddhas. pictures on the wall of famous people who have seen him, accolades from the city, framed newspaper articles and other spiritual leaders like Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.

when the bell rang and it was time for #29 to enter the room, i got up & walked over to Cao Chin's private space. i had a small cake from the Chinese bakery to hand him when i saw him, and a small yellow rose from Judy's garden. i stood at the threshold as he slurped soup quickly with a wide spoon. a room filled with spiritual effects & gifts. he motioned me over and i took a seat on the oriental rug facing him across a wooden table.

the first thing he asserts with his authoritative voice:

"WHERE IS YOUR MAN?!"

"um, i don't have one."

he slams his hand with an open palm: "Don't Tell Me That, Yes You Do! You Have A Man and He Is Running Away!"

i was pure stunned.

"In April, God will send you a man, but please, don't scare him away!"

here, i had to interject. "what exactly do you mean by 'scaring away'?"

"Sometimes you kind, sometimes you talk too much, sometimes you quiet, sometimes you excited..." the rest was garbled.

i instantly felt sick. angry. hot. i knew i was triggered. whether or not he was in touch with my reality, he was hitting something that hurt inside. but i moved it over to be present, to scribble down scraps of oracle through his thick accent & my nervous hands.

"Can you do one thing for God? STOP WORRYING. God has been good to you. You are very smart. You work hard. You love your family. Pray for your family more. You are too independent. No traveling in May. You talk to much, ca ca ca ca ca ca ca"

at some point, he looked up and said "I TOLD HER ALREADY!"

"God has a PLAN for you. Work in humanitarian work. Listen More. How can GOD help if you don't listen? Oh, And Let Go Of That Monkey In Your Hair That Says "I Don't Have Enough Money!"

he asked a few times if i had any questions. i was too shocked or empty to even think. i didn't come for answers and what questions i may have had were already responded to.

i left his room feeling enormous heat, sadness. regardless if whatever spoken be truth or untruth, i reacted strongly. the need to cry was making it's way to the surface, a stewing rumbling in my stomach. i went outside for air, space. i raised my hands up over my head to release everything i was feeling into the GodHead chakra. sick, mad, disappointed, abandoned, failure. let it go, let it go, let it go. i approached these feelings unopposed to them. i felt how much i needed to be a friend to them, to nurture the Self in there burdened with these heavy pains i didn't realize were lodged inside, unseen until provoked from their hiding places.

of course this happens after my new year's resolution to smile more often. i pushed myself to do this, and smiling to myself actually did make me feel better.

i reviewed everything he said that i could remember. and the one thing i was left with is God is very Giving.

life is much more malleable than it seems. there is a plan, there is free will and therefore nothing is supposed to happen or not happen. life itself is pliable. i am happy to continue to play, to look at lost roads with a light heart & know that very often what is delivered to me in my experience tends to exceed my dreams or expectations. botched opportunities can be chalked up to lesson learned, good thing i'm a quick study.

thank you big G for tolerating my fuck ups! i'm ready for what you got planned ;)

around the bend in '10 to make heaven in '11

new year's eve was beautiful & sweet:

dancing, sauna, fresh cold air & icy stars, everything i wanted to eat
(pineapple, clementines, chocolate, greens, home made mac & cheese)
i wore a mink and a mini dress and danced despite my back
bindi & cold bare legs, wrapped with shimmering tinsel tendrils
and naked in the steam room oil rubbed & OMing off the walls

and screaming out all the names of people we loved before the countdown in a huge hug puddle that i was in the center of:

I LOVE YOU MOM I LOVE YOU DAD I LOVE YOU SUNSHINE I LOVE YOU CHERYL I LOVE YOU DAIVI I LOVE YOU BRIAN I LOVE YOU WILLIAM I LOVE YOU FAITH I LOVE YOU JOHN I LOVE YOU SORANGE I LOVE YOU CHRISTY I LOVE YOU BONNIE I LOVE YOU BRANDON I LOVE YOU MARANDA I LOVE YOU MARY JANE I LOVE YOU KATY I LOVE YOU PEACH I LOVE YOU AMORA I LOVE YOU GURUJI I LOVE YOU MERCIFUL I LOVE YOU KAI I LOVE YOU ANANDAJI I LOVE YOU MATT I LOVE YOU JOY I LOVE YOU C I LOVE YOU RAMA PEACE I LOVE YOU ADAM I LOVE YOU BIPLAB I LOVE YOU MARY I LOVE YOU JENNIFER I LOVE YOU MELISSA I LOVE YOU ZOEY I LOVE YOU KAYA I LOVE YOU KERI I LOVE YOU KOURTNEY I LOVE YOU BRUCE I LOVE YOU BETH I LOVE YOU CALIN I LOVE YOU PAOLA I LOVE YOU YESHUA I LOVE YOU JEAN I LOVE YOU BROOKS I LOVE YOU ISABELLA I LOVE YOU LUNA I LOVE YOU AARON I LOVE YOU OLIVIA I LOVE YOU LORRAINE I LOVE YOU SARAH I LOVE YOU JUDY I LOVE YOU AMANDA I LOVE YOU THOM I LOVE YOU CARL I LOVE YOU AMON I LOVE YOU HENRY I LOVE YOU LOVE I LOVE YOU BIOLOGICAL FAMILY I LOVE YOU GAMELAN I LOVE YOU DANCE FAMILY I LOVE YOU HUNTSVILLE I LOVE YOU TEXAS, I LOVE YOU EARTH...

an endless love chant filled with the force of our hearts. i loved hearing my name intermittently between shouts of love, the names we all called formed a sonorous spiral as we laced arms and began to count backwards from 10 - the feeling i had when 2011 came in was that it was going to EXPLODE with AWESOME!

we toasted with pomegranate juice & danced deep into the night, the music moved us into patterns of rhythm. danced to stay warm. the wood floor was smooth as i found where i could go, the limits of my movement, happy that i could express this energy through dance that only days ago immobile & could not. hair flipping & singing songs to each other; never did i imagine i would dance to The Way We Were, and she who i danced with would sing to me all of the words. or that i would sing Memory back to her. or that after these songs i would hear M.I.A. & MGMT and throw down unlikely dance moves as hard as i could, laughing & yelping from the spontaneity of movement.

the 1st was bright sun & cedar smoke from the fire, tree stumps for seats to soak in the sun of the new year, trampoline laughter & frankincense moving through all rooms. i did a stint in the steam room again to relax my back & laid down afterward, 3 women in a soft bed surrounded by citrus with the bay door open wide blowing in crisp air & ambient light.

in the ecstasy of the new year, i forgot to make any resolutions! but one was sprung organically - as i had passed a glass case, i spied my reflection & noticed my face did not reflect how i felt. i looked slightly serious. in that moment i decided to smile as much as possible everyday, without cause. this may be easier for me as i have been laughing so much these days.

on the rise

a dream of immediate violence. i doubted if i could cross that threshold. to shoot, and kill. the other knew this about me, from my hesitation, in the pause we held between intense gazes. they doubted me as much as i doubted myself and with that assurance i would not respond, they took a shot. i was hit. tried to dig the bullet out of left side. spit up stuff. when i saw them again, it was instant revenge. and in that moment, immediately a feeling of danger, authorities coming for me. "but she tried to kill me first! why am i in trouble?". went into hiding: a refrigerated room with an electronic sink i tried to hide beneath in a well of water. i survived for months somehow. when i re-emerged, my former lover told me how long it had been: 6 months. "another 6 months?" i said, mixing up timeline of the dream to the timeline of when i had been away from him in waking life, in both instances connected to the same person. i felt unsafe to be seen still, despite the time that had passed. me and the person i shot somehow met one another in thoughts; they acknowledged they would have done the same as i did.

i opened my eyes. head, heart & nerves remained in that horrific place; thick uncomfortable fear filled all corners. i e-mailed a 5am message to my spiritual guide. fell back to sleep. upon waking for the day, my e-mail was met with sound advice - to clear, to release, to use oils & flower essences that would help in the process, made an appointment for a phone session.

i began my day by putting the bed away, placing plants back onto the patio (safe inside from the freeze the night before), vacuuming, personal care rituals. when i went to put my pants on, a strange inability to move began creeping across the back of my hips. that sensation began to tighten, like a fist around my lower back. i came down to the ground & was unable to move. i couldn't understand why this was happening. was it ecstatic dancing the night before? was it the massage i had thursday? was it a magnesium deficiency? was it my menstrual cycle? each one met with NO. but i knew the dream was the reason. the dream, something about the dream. but who dreams of getting shot & is unable to walk when they wake up?

Daivi had come to carpool for zoo rendezvous but it was obvious i would be in my own little area, crawling on all limbs in order to get from one place to another. but even thinking of moving hurt at that moment. she rubbed tiger balm on that place that clenched. i laid & waited for understanding. will i be like this forever? will it get better? stiff, immobilized. waiting. and then i had to pee.

crawled to the toilet. my first obstacle were the pants. pulling them down was nothing less than a rubix cube conundrum as i attempted to avoid activating pain angles that seemed random & unknown. the next test: getting from floor to commode. i succeeded, but the pressure of my body on lower spine sensitivity called for an all out IIIIEEEEEEEEEE back onto the tile between the porcelain & the cat box. complete what the fuck.

Daivi insisted i put a skirt on, which she assisted in pulling up over hips & pants off. i was on all fours out to the garden. pink pleated mini skirt and bare knees on concrete, moving slowly and balancing the precise position that would hold my frame without a spasm. i spread over the pebbles near the drain and was grateful to be able to do this without help.

i was contacted by the ashram that night once they found out about the situation through an e-mail. we began to session over the phone. i was asked to ask the pain what it wanted to tell me. i instantly remembered something i did earlier that day, before rising from bed. i had said: "God, show me how i can serve today - whatever work there is for me, let it come". as i allowed the words to come from beyond my own mind, i heard i was immobilized so that i would only focus on spiritual work undistracted. the words stung. i had been asked to clear out distraction energy many days before, which i did. clearly, it was not enough. with that, we proceeded to work for hours clearing blocks & disentangling energy from others. i spent the night making friends with the floor; the hardness of it comforting. slept easily with quarter turns at half hour intervals. i tried to drink as little water as possible.

the next day: gifts of magnesium, MSM, fruits, flower essences, oil. i continued to work that day & into the night over the phone clearing, clearing, clearing with breaks in between phone calls. my phone alarm sounded at one point in the day with a message about library books being due. something so mundane in the middle of invisible surgery seemed comical. Judy came & returned the books, coming back with a few i wanted to renew & some delicious food.

in the evening, a movement occurred: the culminated energy in the lumbar region moved up after a dam in the navel area was expelled, allowed a stream of sweet energy to rise along the spine out through the crown. it felt like i was a virgin again, like a first day of school, like a bliss only known in a handful of holy moments in my life. i could feel the brightness of my spine, keeping the weight on my arms so i could remain sitting up, the flow from below to above uninterrupted. it felt like God had a straw straight down into me sucking out whatever dim clouds gathered, the lifting off of which felt exhilarating beyond what could be explained. i was left clear, a sense of space somehow both empty & filled with an undefinable Isness. the gratitude poured, any thoughts i had were constant gratitude: Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. the energy released and i was ready to rest, glad to upgrade to sleeping on the couch for the night.

the day following the breakthrough i dared to stand up, and to my delight i could stay up! i finally walked with fawn legs shaky, unsure of stairs, bathtubs. i explored my new ability with awareness, a growing gratitude for walking, movement, having a healthy body. i was happy to regain my ability to sit & walk just before the new year, to be able to dance & express & be joyful of the things i have that i forgot to give thanks for.

from the floor, the only way is uP!