a dream of immediate violence. i doubted if i could cross that threshold. to shoot, and kill. the other knew this about me, from my hesitation, in the pause we held between intense gazes. they doubted me as much as i doubted myself and with that assurance i would not respond, they took a shot. i was hit. tried to dig the bullet out of left side. spit up stuff. when i saw them again, it was instant revenge. and in that moment, immediately a feeling of danger, authorities coming for me. "but she tried to kill me first! why am i in trouble?". went into hiding: a refrigerated room with an electronic sink i tried to hide beneath in a well of water. i survived for months somehow. when i re-emerged, my former lover told me how long it had been: 6 months. "another 6 months?" i said, mixing up timeline of the dream to the timeline of when i had been away from him in waking life, in both instances connected to the same person. i felt unsafe to be seen still, despite the time that had passed. me and the person i shot somehow met one another in thoughts; they acknowledged they would have done the same as i did.
i opened my eyes. head, heart & nerves remained in that horrific place; thick uncomfortable fear filled all corners. i e-mailed a 5am message to my spiritual guide. fell back to sleep. upon waking for the day, my e-mail was met with sound advice - to clear, to release, to use oils & flower essences that would help in the process, made an appointment for a phone session.
i began my day by putting the bed away, placing plants back onto the patio (safe inside from the freeze the night before), vacuuming, personal care rituals. when i went to put my pants on, a strange inability to move began creeping across the back of my hips. that sensation began to tighten, like a fist around my lower back. i came down to the ground & was unable to move. i couldn't understand why this was happening. was it ecstatic dancing the night before? was it the massage i had thursday? was it a magnesium deficiency? was it my menstrual cycle? each one met with NO. but i knew the dream was the reason. the dream, something about the dream. but who dreams of getting shot & is unable to walk when they wake up?
Daivi had come to carpool for zoo rendezvous but it was obvious i would be in my own little area, crawling on all limbs in order to get from one place to another. but even thinking of moving hurt at that moment. she rubbed tiger balm on that place that clenched. i laid & waited for understanding. will i be like this forever? will it get better? stiff, immobilized. waiting. and then i had to pee.
crawled to the toilet. my first obstacle were the pants. pulling them down was nothing less than a rubix cube conundrum as i attempted to avoid activating pain angles that seemed random & unknown. the next test: getting from floor to commode. i succeeded, but the pressure of my body on lower spine sensitivity called for an all out IIIIEEEEEEEEEE back onto the tile between the porcelain & the cat box. complete what the fuck.
Daivi insisted i put a skirt on, which she assisted in pulling up over hips & pants off. i was on all fours out to the garden. pink pleated mini skirt and bare knees on concrete, moving slowly and balancing the precise position that would hold my frame without a spasm. i spread over the pebbles near the drain and was grateful to be able to do this without help.
i was contacted by the ashram that night once they found out about the situation through an e-mail. we began to session over the phone. i was asked to ask the pain what it wanted to tell me. i instantly remembered something i did earlier that day, before rising from bed. i had said: "God, show me how i can serve today - whatever work there is for me, let it come". as i allowed the words to come from beyond my own mind, i heard i was immobilized so that i would only focus on spiritual work undistracted. the words stung. i had been asked to clear out distraction energy many days before, which i did. clearly, it was not enough. with that, we proceeded to work for hours clearing blocks & disentangling energy from others. i spent the night making friends with the floor; the hardness of it comforting. slept easily with quarter turns at half hour intervals. i tried to drink as little water as possible.
the next day: gifts of magnesium, MSM, fruits, flower essences, oil. i continued to work that day & into the night over the phone clearing, clearing, clearing with breaks in between phone calls. my phone alarm sounded at one point in the day with a message about library books being due. something so mundane in the middle of invisible surgery seemed comical. Judy came & returned the books, coming back with a few i wanted to renew & some delicious food. in the evening, a movement occurred: the culminated energy in the lumbar region moved up after a dam in the navel area was expelled, allowed a stream of sweet energy to rise along the spine out through the crown. it felt like i was a virgin again, like a first day of school, like a bliss only known in a handful of holy moments in my life. i could feel the brightness of my spine, keeping the weight on my arms so i could remain sitting up, the flow from below to above uninterrupted. it felt like God had a straw straight down into me sucking out whatever dim clouds gathered, the lifting off of which felt exhilarating beyond what could be explained. i was left clear, a sense of space somehow both empty & filled with an undefinable Isness. the gratitude poured, any thoughts i had were constant gratitude: Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. the energy released and i was ready to rest, glad to upgrade to sleeping on the couch for the night.
the day following the breakthrough i dared to stand up, and to my delight i could stay up! i finally walked with fawn legs shaky, unsure of stairs, bathtubs. i explored my new ability with awareness, a growing gratitude for walking, movement, having a healthy body. i was happy to regain my ability to sit & walk just before the new year, to be able to dance & express & be joyful of the things i have that i forgot to give thanks for. from the floor, the only way is uP!
