nectar

covered over last weeks efforts completely. it would have felt bold if i felt more attached to what i painted over. in wondering how to proceed, it seemed to be the only way that made sense after a long moment sitting with the image, facing it eyes closed with hands pressed onto it awaiting a sense of what was next. the feedback was very little; i felt held in mystery. all my movements & decisions thereafter seemed preverbal - pure movement uninitiated by thinking.

new forms emerged from the purple/blue/turquoise swooshes, adding more length along the bottom edge. the energy it takes to create is intense. i painted. i slept for a bit in front of an altar of amethyst & oracles. sporadically fed myself & sipped on guava goddess kombucha. felt myself in an altered state. had a vision of myself in a certain pose - bent on right knee, grabbing ankle with right hand, left leg bent with foot planted on the earth. naked with flexible branches around my waist & a band across my forehead with a few long feathers in my hair. eyes. i told Samadhi of this vision & was excited, wanted to go to the woods after class & take pictures of me doing this. it felt important. she said "wow! well, why don't you paint it too?". and suddenly my lack of skill for bringing the vision perfectly into form hit, but i understood: we're in painting class, i had a vision, it's my job to paint it.

and so it was that i mixed brown with white & a tiny bit of red & green left in the paintbrush. the limbs went spread eagle; i decided to keep it that way & continue. an arm across the belly brought an awareness of how light & shadow define objects of the same color. for the time being, those body parts are merged.

in a dialog with the painting, the figure called herself Rainbow Dancer. when asked why she appeared: "i am pulled & called when someone is asking for help. i am not a body but exist inside bodies. dance in colors. push out things that don't belong there, make the colors as pure as possible". i knew she was speaking of chakras. she has no body but in this painting wanted to have a body like mine, with cinnamon skin and black hair reflecting the colors surrounding it. the huge flower i painted over shows up again over her yoni. a magenta petal drips nectar. she tells me: "flowers have energy. people smell them, want them, appreciate them, they awaken the senses. it draws energy to that area, to show it's a beautiful place, a healing place. it's so good to be juicy!".

i felt so high, slingshot into the cosmos. and i wanted so much to go for a walk, to ground myself in nature. Samadhi agreed & we went to the mountain bike trails at Memorial Park. we enter the trails after 7pm. the daylight was dim and only 3 humans & 3 dogs were encountered the entire hour+ walk. we removed our shoes barefeet on the hard hilly dirt threaded with tree roots & topped with soft silt & leaf litter. we talked among the towering trees, the lowering light. i anticipated walking in the dark and loved feeling my soles touch earth, the contact reminding me what little contact my feet have with her. we came to a huge cedar & hugged her. i pulled up my shirt so i could press my belly & breasts into the bark. we stood there in unison with our bare skin connecting to the tree. it felt so good to be there, to connect with the darkest dark Houston could cull so close to a new moon & prolific street lights.