spitting rainbows

source painting scrawlings: first day

i compose the colors on the palette with ease, because i was
so sure i knew what was going to be painted. fresh squeezey
bottles of paint, shaken up & spewed onto the plastic plate.

a tiger wanted to come, on a background of cobalt blue to
make the red orange POP! black & white stripes! RAWR-shida!
but it all turned beige somehow. maybe beige is what happens
when someone doesn't know how to paint; it's a mix of every
thing. my skin is this same color, portions of orange, lemon,
ivory & onyx. but i never looked to see if it also has violet in it,
or green or turquoise. it is so unified it seems to only be itself,
this beige that masks the elements that create it.

i enjoy blending colors, generating green where i can see the
yellow & the blue in their own vibration, and then where they
extend into eachother to create a song that vibrates a harmony
of their merged essences. and pink. this pink is labial. a singing
pink. she glistens, irrepressibly radiant! she is a pure color,
succulent saturation, especially when wet.

where the paint meets paper i lean in close to hear the brush
against the flat white surface. it is the subtle smooth sound
of moving silence.

painting feels like birthing: deep breaths, holding lower back
and rubbing hips. a powerful part of me emerges. REAL me.
tears on the verge when i hear the message: I WANT HER TO WAKE UP!
the outcome is inevitable but the space between where i am & getting
there seems monumental. Source burrowing through me, eating
away walls, structures. i can't hide. it aches.

i felt the damp heavy drop, my moontime arrived. and it looks so much
like the canvas where all the colors i put mixed to beige-brown with red
streaking this leaking of pigment what was left uncreated inside of me.
a womb abyss shows up in the painting. it has every color in it, spitting
rainbows. the colors communicate, expand, create. an opportunity to

begin again.